Eat, Pray, Love- personal reflection

**this post has nothing to do with diabetes, weight loss, pregnancy or complaining, it's just a personal reflection I want to get off my chest, before it flies out of my head**

I just watched Eat, Pray, Love. It is a beautiful movie, that I would whole-heatedly recommend to anyone. It touched a lot of chords within me. Having heard the premise a while ago, I was afraid the chords in which it would touch would have been bad. Feeling lost, wishing for more, not wanting what I have. But no.

The main character throws herself so far into what she's doing at the time that she looses herself. The she makes a resolution to travel the world and find out what she's missing. Eventually, finding herself.

I remember a time when that was me. I would get into a relationship and become the perfect woman for him. When I was very young I had a 2 year relationship that ended abruptly and without fault. It went unfinished, even to this day it is dangling loosely in my mind. After the break-up I was so depressed, I didn't sleep, I cleaned my parent's house (my mom's boyfriend actually accused me of doing drugs lol) and I spent a lot of time alone. I had convinced myself that if any of my friends wanted to spend any time with me, they'd contact me. They didn't. Needless to say I spent a lot of time being miserable and wishing my life would start. Then, amazingly, in that time I somehow formed myself, the way I am now. Proactive, confident, honest, full of integrity and relatively sure about most of the moves I make.

Don't get me wrong- I made a lot of mistakes and repeated a lot of bad behavior on the path to now. Even now I fall into most aspects of my life rather than choosing them willfully. This too is something I work on everyday.

At some point in the recent past, I realized that I am me. I am fat, brusque at times, honest to a hurtful point, not every one's cup of tea. And I don't apologize for it. I found a man who loved me just the way I am. I didn't have to become anyone else to catch him, keep him or please him. Point in fact, I don't have to please him at all, I can just be me and he lets me, because for him, being with me pleases him.

Someone once complimented me that I was a full-figured woman and it seemed as if I didn't care. Truth is, I care everyday. I try to remind myself every minute of ever hour of every day that what other people think of me is irrelevant, it's what I think of myself that matters. I will admit that I forget to look within for approval and many times will seek it elsewhere. Then I remember that it's not a selfish act to ask me what I think, and it's okay to listen to what I think and want. When I got that compliment, I said thank you and told the person, I must be a good actress then, because I hate my body and other people make me feel ashamed of myself. I cant completely admit that those feelings are totally gone, but most of the time, I make no apologies for the way I look.

I think what I can take away from the sentiments of that movie is this- be you, whoever you are, with no apologies, no matter what anyone else thinks, and do it with your head held high.

Made it thru thanksgiving

Somehow I made it through.

About 10 years ago, long before I found out that I was killing myself with bad eating habits, while I was still in my mother's house and for the most part chief cook and bottle washer... I came to the realization that the holidays aren't for overeating.

It bothers me to no end that the American psyche thinks that Thanksgiving is the Superbowl of eating. Now I am seeing that it isn't limited to just that holiday, my husband's family does it on Christmas and Easter too.

Well, back to my story. So it hit me that we were doing it stupidly on Thanksgiving. Firstly... who the fuck eats dinner at 2 or 3 pm?? Not us. Sadly in my mother's household dinner is between 7 and 9 pm. So I compromised, dinner was to be served sometime between 5 and 6pm, when NORMAL people eat dinner. Secondly, there were only 4 of us at the table, why on EARTH was I cooking as if we expected 10?? Thirdly, why do we snack all day before a HUGE meal with relish trays and chips and dip?? And lastly, at what time do you ever prepare a meal and double, triple or quadruple the amount of carbs that you serve?? Apparently only at thanksgiving. So all those bad habits were nipped in the bud early.

My husband didn't ease into all these things as easily as my family did. The hardest one for him was understanding that 1 possibly 2 carbs can be at the table, and if I am EVER going to double up on anything it will be vegetables! So I would make stuffing (I prefer a stuffed bird) and he'd ask where the mashed potatoes were. EH??? Not at my table. This year it was stuffing and where's the succotash (for those of you who just asked what the hell is succotash... corn and Lima beans with butter and pepper, very tasty, counts as carbs).

Lucky for him we had another couple eating with us, so to make sure everyone was fed, everything got doubled. And I had to force myself not only to look the other way while my husband misbehaved in his eating habits, but force myself not to overeat bad things. I didn't win.

We had a beautiful 9 pound turkey. The other couple brought a delectable real live official honey baked ham. I made a cornbread-cranberry-sage stuffing that I couldn't stop eating (weakness). AND succotash. AND pumpkin bread (that lasted us till this week). Salad. Roasted broccoli. They brought a pecan pie (I am not fond of nuts in things, and really not a fan of that pie especially so that wasnt an issue) and we made an out-of-the-box pure evil cinnabon apple pie... I ate 2 small slices DON'T JUDGE ME!!

I was better the next day, but sincerely, I wasn't great till about 2 days ago. Yes, I am properly ashamed... BUT, I have lost weight, not gained. And not a lot, but I am still within 10 pounds of my starting pregnancy weight. YAY!

I think we need to take a step back, remember why we celebrate that holiday in question, re-align our priorities. And maybe educate ourselves on what is starch and what masquerades as vegetable, but is in fact, starch.... here's a typical family menu....
turkey/ham- okay you're good, meat
stuffing- starch
mashed potatoes/gravy- starch and mostly fat and flour (starch)
yams (sweet potatoes)- starch usually dotted with HUGE amounts of sugar (might as well be a pie)
peas- starch
corn- starch
muffins/crescent rolls/biscuits/rolls- starch
green bean casserole- vegetable, but be careful, it's made with cream of whatever soup... can be fatty
salad- veggie!!
broccoli- veggie!!
carrots- veggie!!
asparagus- veggie!!
pie of any kind- EVIL

an average serving size is about 1/4 cup of anything, you can get away with 1/3 cup of some things, but think of this- if you are using the serving spoon more than once to dish an item onto your plate (with the exception of it sticking to the spoon) you are eating too much.

See how many of those things that are starch that you put on your table and double or triple? How many veggies do you actually serve? There was a time when I could answer... zero.

I know you're trying to rationalize by saying, but it's just ONE day. Look at my husband's family tho- one day, can turn into twice a year, thrice a year... then you never know where it might stop.

Why is it that we feel we have to overdo it on holidays? I am both disgusted and concerned.

rolling with the punches

I was so convinced I was having a boy. Nope, it's a girl.

In our visit to get the super-detailed sonogram in a specialized perenatology office in Shreveport we also got some rather bad news.

I have a sizable cyst that has grown to about 7cm, and has bound itself to the back of my uterus, and is blocking my cervix. It could shrink, but seeing as it hasn't in a month (yah, that was the other bit of oh so great news, they've know about it for a month and didn't bother telling me) I am looking at a c-section birth... oh crap.

But hey, it lead to some enlightening realizations! I had complained the baby felt very low way too soon (it was the cyst). Sex, not so comfy for me, yep... the cyst (oh and that's off the table till after the baby's born now, I pity my husband, but I am glad). Bumps in cars seemed just a tad more intense than before, thought I was imagining it, nope, baby's face is over the cyst, so bump, baby goes up, comes down on cyst and OUCH. Cant seem to totally empty my bladder... you guessed it.... cyst.

The doc says to me, if we'd have had the chance to see you in the 1st trimester I would have opted to get it out then, but it's too late for that. We now have to monitor it. Doesn't have characteristics of cancer, so that's good. But it could have blood leak into it, or it could rupture, and altho he didn't say it, I am assuming it could inhibit the growing baby as well.

The part that I am getting mad about is that I have been telling my ob for a while that I have been feeling a weird pinching pain in the right ovary area. Last doc I said that to pre-pregnancy said it's prolly cysts bursting from the pcos and not to worry, it's normal. But this doc said it wasn't a likely thing during a pregnancy, altho that might be what it is.

Specialist says he thinks, based on my history that this cyst is my fallopian tube gone bad.

So here we are, I am sorry to admit, disappointed in another girl. And it's pretty clear we aren't hiding it well, even strangers are saying, you could always try again. And I am looking at the possibility of loosing an ovary and fallopian tube... with an already awful rocky past to trying to conceive. Yah right, let's set aside the fact that I would need to be insane to want to try this a 3rd time, and the fact that if/when I did, being 35 would be part of the equation (yuck), the possibility went from difficult to unlikely to happen at all.

Of coarse I am not really sharing this with everyone, but seeing as only 7 or 8 people read my blog and not that often, I think I am okay with sharing with you guys.

I think that it's sweet that the few people who know are trying to be optimistic. But I need to be in reality here. It's likely that this kid is my last. Even my husband is apologetic about putting me thru this again and saying he wont wanna make me do it a 3rd time.

That aside I am just feeling so bitter. Between self-abuse and having no money for proper medical care until I was married, my body is so screwed up. And really there is no one to blame (aside from myself for the self destructive eating).

Other than all that, baby is fine. I am still okay on weight, but not for much longer, I am up 12 pounds out of the 15 that they ideally didn't want me to gain at all.

Looking forward to having this done, so I can get back on the program. If I can keep my gaining low, say this 15 pounds only, I will be nearer to my 220 goal after she's born than I was before she was conceived! With my 1st baby, I lost 36 pounds after 30 minutes of pushing. Kept it off a long time too- till I got sick with the whole gall bladder thing.

So I am thinking I am 246 now.... 246-30 (to be fair) = 216.... breast feeding may not be possible now, but I am still hopeful. So that will help shed too. And I told my husband, when I get the green light to start back on workouts, we'll have to make some kind of arrangements around feeding, and he'll prolly have to stay close to the gym with the girls while I work. But I wanna go balls to the walls (within my limits, work back up to the 3 times a week 40 min workouts, I am not stupid) and get my fat ass out of the 200's for good!

Hellooooo 2nd trimester!

13 weeks, and 3 days!

Yes, that's me rounding into the 2nd trimester. I know it's been a while, let's just say that libido, motivation and the ability to keep my temper all disappear when I am pregnant. Blame the baby.

It's been a rough time lately, but since last you read, in horror... I basically told my doctor and the nutritionist to leave me the hell alone, or I quit!

As it turns out my numbers are good, so the doc is willing to see me every 2 weeks as long as I keep the status quo. In complete and utter honesty I do flub about 5 numbers every time I report to her the last 2 week's worth of numbers. Not because I am trying to lie about it, my A1c would give me away, but because I don't need doctors and nutritionists up my ass "shoulding" all over me when I make a conscience decision to deviate from my diet. I want to have bad days. I know better than to have them too often. I just don't need a class and a lecture every fucking time I want to have an extra piece of fucking bread. I know it's putting the baby in danger, I get that, but a stressed and pissed off me is yet more dangerous to my nugget... so they can eat me.

Yes the subject still makes me rage.

I got into a car accident last weekend. Saturday we drove up to Shreveport to visit a family member passing thru, husband's brother, husband drove, husband was excited. He was driving badly all day to be honest, if I let myself get caught up in the should haves, I really should have driven, or said no to the trip seeing as we could barely afford it as it was, but hindsight's 20/20.

He was making a left turn in a major intersection, we had a green arrow turn lane that turned into a yield on green. It was now solid yellow and he shot into the intersection, figure at the last minute he would make the turn when oncoming traffic got the red. But oncoming traffic still had a green. So instead of staying put he decided to shoot across the 2 lanes of traffic frogger style. I said oncoming traffic still has green and he began to shoot anyway, I followed that up with, no, no, no, no, no as he turned. The last car we had nearly passed, she never stopped, I dunno how you don't see a BIG BLACK SUV in your lane. Bonus, she was uninsured! We're still at fault.

She hit the rear passenger tire.

What this means; she hit the car 2 feet from where my daughter's car seat was. Kid was napping, she was rattled, her neck hurt a little from the seat strap, she is FINE. Husband was out of the car and looking for the other victim as well as at the damage of our car, he's FINE. After impact I did a quick personal assessment of me, upper hurts, lower fine, kid in backseat more important. As soon as I could rest assured she was fine I started to asses me. Right hip a teeny bit sore, belly fine, no feeling of pain or wetness anywhere below my breasts (ie; baby fine). Neck... FUCKING OW, back, shoulders achy. I have a hickey on my neck from the seat belt, I was sporting a few very faint bruises across my chest, below my boobs, along my back and shoulders were sore for a while, now it's just the main muscle that goes from my jaw to my clavicle on the left (don't ask why, it's weird) side. If I sneeze or yawn too big, I will cry out like a little bitch.

Saw the doc today, she agrees with me, I am gonna be sore, nothing worth fussing over. She also agrees with me, baby is well protected so having no pain, spotting or gushing after the accident is a beautiful sign. We finally got to listen to the strong little heartbeat today. 150! So all in all we're on the up and up.

We have no money, no car and no resources to fall back on. But we're okay.

Hopefully we'll find out if we've been approved for a loan tomorrow, just a teeny one to fix the car and/or get a cheap newer used car and pay it off when taxes come in February. It's the best we can do.

Oh yah, she BENT our rear axle and loosened a connection hose to our gas tank... her car has minor front body damage... and i'm pretty sure she wont be coming after us, seeing as she didnt even bother sticking around to trade information with us.

All the things I was looking forward to this year are pretty much shelved till next year.

Husband is feeling like and asshole, and apologetic to the nth degree. I don't forgive him, I call him on his excuses, and yes I have been unapologetically blunt with him lately. This too shall pass, I think he needs to stop trying to eat crow and make it right.

Otherwise everything is on the up and up.

so flippin angry

okay so I HAD to go o ANOTHER stupid fucking nutrition class, this time for gestational diabetics, which I am not sure I technically fall under anyway. I am diabetic, but I have to sit thru a class and ignore when the teachers say "temporary situation", no no, mine is pretty much permanent, with the exception of loosing 100 pounds immediately.

First I love that the doctors and nutritionists contradict each other. Nutritionist say my fat ass should gain no more than 15 pounds this pregnancy. That's the way it was with my 1st, okay, I get it. But the doc's want me to gain... NOTHING. Not 1 pound. They're quoting that current studies are showing that the baby is just fine when mommy gains nothing.

My answer... fuck them all... I gain what I gain, and they aren't going to make me feel guilty for it. So far I have gained a whopping 3 pounds, and that's cuz I haven't worked out in a while.

So I figure an hour or so of getting brow beaten, again, about what I eat, how much I eat, etc. Oh no, it was 2 hours. AND I had to get up and do about 1000 things before I went to the hospital for this class, so in order to make it on time, guess what I had to skip... that's right, I haven't eaten since last night.

But the class is telling me to eat every 2 hours.

SO already I am mad for having to be there, mad from low blood sugar and hormones, then the icing on the cake... no, not 1 class... WEEKLY meetings with the nutritionist to discuss every single aspect of my food intake and blood sugar. WEEKLY. AND there on days when my husband's unit wont let him go. So this gets yet better. The appointments are only on thursdays, so that means, since we only own 1 car... that I get to wake up at 4 am to take my husband to work, and make it to the appointment later in the day and then pick him up that evening... 3 trips on and of base... 60 miles that day, once a week. So now 1/2 the food budget gets to go away so I can pay for the extra gas.

Okay now I am really really REALLY pissed.

After the class we were rushed, so we got mc'd's which of course, is bad bad bad... it could kill my baby.

While I am there, my body decides to go #2... those moments are few and far between for me these days. The kid had to go too, and the husband is in a rush. So he orders and I have to wait thru her potty time, and try to rush thru mine, she's touching everything in the bathroom and putting her mouth on stuff, so I am reaching and yelling... I couldn't go. I felt like I was literally in the middle of a movement... sorry to be so gross.

So I grab the husband drop him off at work, fly home like a bitch on a broom. Now, I have diarrhea... and I am so sick to my stomach, I cant eat. I ate about 1/2 my nasty, cold burger before I gave up. SO I just threw away $5 cuz I couldn't eat.

I am just so fucking angry right now, I almost wish I wasn't pregnant, it's not worth this fucking hassle, and now I get to do it once a fucking week?

If this doesn't get better, I may have to tell the doctors to do what they have to, but I am not going to go to any more bullshit, waste my time appointments, unless it's life and death, and I mean the real kind... not the "you could kill your baby" kind, I am gonna not care about anything really quick.

Iron deficiency much?

Prick, test, prick, medicate, eat, sleep repeat 50 times a day.

Okay, so I am already over this. I am 10 weeks today, and so iron deficient, the couch now has a permanent indentation of my fat ass and the throw pillows smell like me drool.

I should try and force myself to remember to take my prenatals, seriously, I just forget.

I would make every night steak and broccoli night if it weren't $7/lb for bad steak. I need to go to my neighbors and strike deals with them when they slaughter their cows.

Other than that, I have no room to complain. No morning sickness, and the only nausea I have is well earned (over eating, eating something exceptionally spicy, etc).

In 2 days I have an appointment and on the 7th I get the 1st sonogram.... hope I can drink enuff water and make it thru!

More to come, I just needed to vent.

Gastric bypass surgery

Okay, hahaha just kidding, that was my lame attempt at throwing you off the course to which, I a sure you've already assumed.

I am pregnant!

On July 26th I went to see the doctor to get round 2 of clomid. I warned her that I was late at the time, she asked if that was usual, and I said not these days. So she ran a pregnancy test, and seeing as I was about 2-4 days late give or take she thought a pee test was sufficient. She gave me drugs to start my period and clomid. And said if she didn't call me within 24 hours to go ahead and assume the test was negative and start the drugs.

She didn't call, and I wanted to be triple certain of negativity, so I called. And yes, negative it was.

Well, call me lazy, I dragged my feet to start the drugs, and then with my husband in the field for 2 weeks, I realized my fertile time was when he was gonna be gone. So I kept dragging my feet, if you've ever had a drug-induced period, you will totally understand me when I say my mantra was to let nature take it's course. If you haven't, rest assured the drug -induced version is like a period on crack with adhd. So a couple weeks went by, and nada.

Then all of a sudden my sugars went BERSERK! We're talking no lower than 200-250. I even tried a day of a zero carb/sugar breakfast and lunch followed by a workout, and we know that doing that will make me drop lower than 70. I got home... 274!! WTF is wrong with me!?
a) the test was negative, cant be that
b) I somehow got a mismarked 2 liter that was regular, and no one bothered to recall it... probably not
c) bad insulin, possible- note to self throw away current pen and start new

After that day, I broke down and went to the store for a pee test of my own, by now it being about 2 weeks after the initial. The positive line was darker that the control line! OMFG!

So I was on a mission to get a hold of a doctor, ANY doctor... fix my sugar levels!! HELP!!

And I felt like I did when I was first diagnosed type 2 diabetic. I was no one's priority. I called and called trying to get the nearest appointment I could, and the ob/gyn nurse finally got me in. BUT... it was just an orientation/testing appointment. Meaning... I didn't see a doctor, so I was on the nurse like white one rice.. I am a high risk pregnancy... HELLO, why isn't anyone acting like this is as dire as it is!!! She got me in to see the doctor a few hours later.

I am now on a tighter regime, 2 shots of long acting insulin (and a new type to boot), and 3 times a day short acting. It's not fine-tuned yet, I am either way too low or way too high. My new range needs to be 90-100. And right now I am either 70 or 140 not usually anywhere in between, so I am eagerly waiting to see the doc again on the 2nd.

I am both excited and nervous, this will be a new challenge.

If you, my readers would like me to keep going, let me know. It'll be spotty, I will only talk about events worth talking about... but I am damn sure that 20 more pounds is going to have to wait until after March 29, 2011

re baiting assumptions

I know I said end of the week, there has been further complications. So I have something to share with you, I do, I do... but it needs to wait about another week and a half, come back at the end of the month, please.

a quick tangent

A quick tangent...


someone posted a thing on facebook today about a woman going nuts on a drive thru worker at mc donalds because she couldn't have chicken nuggets. Maybe the woman was out of control, maybe not...

First off, it's hard to get sympathy for going out to eat when you are diabetic. The bottom line is, everyone who's anyone basically says you should eat at home. As a diabetic your only job is to eat at home, exercise, test and medicate. This makes a regular life difficult at best.

So if you have to step out in the world to run errands, and otherwise cant rush home to make yourself food, and you aren't freaking Rockefeller so you cant just walk into the nearest sit down restaurant where your chances for a diabetic friendly meal is greater... all you have is drive thru.

Making the best of drive thru is difficult to say the VERY least. You are relegated to diet or unsweetened tea, or water. Even tho a #3 comes with a drink. I have already launched my campaign against a lot of fast food places here, some it's only water or diet coke/pepsi and not even USnweetened tea. FOR GOD SAKES doesn't tea start unsweetened before you drown it with sugar people how hard can it be!??! With one establishment I did win. I can now have water diet coke or unsweetened tea. Altho I have learned to like diet soda, so I don't fight the fight as often anymore. (point of fact I am fighting with blockbuster video right now for another diet soda choice in the coolers, since they have a rent 3 movies, get 2 drinks, 2 candy and a popcorn for $20 and I cant have anything but diet coke in that deal... so the manager is tolerating my whining now LOL).

Then there is the food menu. Crappy salads, yuck. It is possible to eat a 10 piece chicken nugget and a handful of fries and stay within your limits... if it was me and I was shaking and tanking, I might have reached thru the drive thru window to bitch slap someone too... altho years in customer service has taught me, NOT to kill the messenger when it's not directly their fault.

BUT the one thing that is making me want to bust some heads, that makes me want to take out an ad in a newspaper or on a newscast... I don't care how stupid you think you are, how much you hate your shitty job, it's not that hard to give me the right drink. I pay $3 to drink that nasty diet coke... I prefer for it not to BE diet, but it HAS to be. The silver/gray button is diet, the red one is not. They aren't even next to each other most of the time. HOW HARD IS IT TO GET THAT RIGHT? To check and double check.

It's not like I am ordering diet for vanity. Oh I need to loose weight, but if I don't get a diet soda that's not what is affected. I am LESS affected by drinking a large chocolate shake than I am if I drink even 1/2 a real soda. 1/2 a real soda makes me peak into the 200-250 range easily, the shake, I might get close to 200, maybe. A real soda wont make me gain weight, it could KILL me people!

So to all those fast food workers out there, have a little freaking integrity and just GET THE GODDAMN ORDER RIGHT!

baiting assumptions

At the risk of baiting assumptions... there is more to tell you, but at the moment there is too much. So I am writing to bait you and have you come back at the end of next week. Assume what you'd like... keep it to yourself.

I will be back the end of next week with a more revealing blog.

gone? but not forgotten

having mom in town for a month presents some challenges... financially, dietarily, and with time management.

When I have guests, any guests, I believe that they deserve 100% of my attention at all times. So hey, if you ever come to visit me we'll have a blast. But that meant I didn't get to keep up with any other commitments I had. My friends never heard from me, and neither did you.

Having a guest to spend time with outside the house ate our budget early. So mom did a lot of the paying, which meant she called the shots. I went from 3 meals a day to 2. I went from a steady 100-120 blood sugar to dropping to 40's and peaking to 170's. I barely kept my weight within 10 pounds of where I started. It was rough.

Add in the fact that we spent time in New Orleans, rich deep friend food capitol... I am surprised I didn't end up in the hospital.

I worked out a grand total of 1 time, with my sister. I am surprised SHE didn't end up in the hospital. She is about 50 pounds lighter than me, she kept a slower pace but did manage to keep up. But her heart rate scared the hell out of me. 17 year old 180-190ish pounds. Hear rate peaked at 190! I was peaking at 135 (and I am 33 and 235)! I tried to over exhurt myself to get my rate up to hers, and I was literally pedaling (on the bike) 10 times faster than she was, and I could only get my rate up there for a few seconds... it's work to see 190.

Good to know I am in shape.

Mom never did make any comments about my shorter shorts... but then again, my legs look HOT. She didnt even pull the "you are so much bigger than me" (altho I found out I only outweigh her by about 10-15 pounds). She took photos of the family and tried to make it seem as though my sister looked older/bigger than me. I think she was trying to say my sister looked mature... but it didnt come across that way. Both my husband and myself came to her defence asap.

I did a butt-ton of walking. My husband and I were refering to our outings lovingly as the "tourist death march". So that helped keep my sugars at bay even though what we were eating was of no assistance.

This is our 1st pay period back to normal, and we're recovering from all the overspending. My husband is in the field for the next 2 weeks (altho I hear that might get cut very short) and so it's gonna be rough. To make it thru it looks like the toddler and I will be eating tons of crap. I am gonna need to pull out the ol' workout dvd to balance it out.

Ate mac n cheese from a box with a hotdog today for brunch and a crappy chicken sandwich with tater tots for dinner. Sugars are in the 200's. I would be better off eating a HUGE mc d's meal! I am gonna feed the kid the crap and try to minimize crap for me. It's gonna suck. Altho since it's just me eating salads the only thing I have to worry about is the greens going bad.

+233

I will be back from here on out, probably not daily, I'll admit that, but often.

angry workout

Working out angry- dangerous. I worked much harder for much longer ignoring my body's signals that things were too much. I went in on the verge of low blood sugar, but being that I was angry, I popped a piece of candy and went to pound out my feelings.

My heart rate peaked at 172 while on the elliptical. I did a 10 min mile... twice. 2 miles on the elliptical (when usually in 20 mins I make about a mile, sometimes slightly less). I was facing a poster which had HUGE lettering stating "army family covenant, keeping our commitment to the army family" and advertising a web site... yahoo or google army family covenant sometime... I did. It's total bullshit, altho the army as a whole is trying to make things better for us family members, single units are contradicting those commitments daily.

I truly am surprised I didn't pull something.

+236

the road to hell

the road to hell is paved with good intentions... isn't that what they say?

Today was good and bad. I ate like a good girl, cheerios (plain boring, tastes like shit) for breakfast, leftovers for lunch (one chicken enchilada, homemade, and 1/4 cup refried beans), a bag of chips and a couple grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, okay dinner wasn't that great, food band aide.

Today was not good in the emotion department. Well, it was n wasn't. I saw my new doc (old one got re stationed, and I hate starting over, new doc usually hates what old doc did, and changes it... but not this one). She was happy with my progress. She wants me to go back to 5 meals a day, not gonna happen, and I think, since my A1C is lower than your average healthy person's, I have room to argue against it. Eating snacks makes my sugar skyrocket. She's telling me I am eating too much fat (by judging my snack choices of carrots and dip or a piece of cheese). Altho she's not seeing that it's a piece of cheese, not a pound. And it's low fat dip, seeing as full fat + no gall bladder = toilet. She also wants me to walk everyday. I just don't have the time... and she's a "make the time" kinda doc. Here's the deal... I DON'T WANT to walk everyday. 3 hours a week at the gym is hard enough. I am not adding to it. Not right now, not when I am making serious progress. NO.

My husband's work has made our lives difficult in the last few weeks. And now they sent out a new kicker today. He's no longer allowed to help me when I have doctor's appointments, if I need a babysitter, I have to pay one. Unless I am having surgery or physically unable to drive, he's not allowed to be involved. I have been told that I now need to function as if he's deployed.

Needless to say I am angry, pissed, FLAMING PISSED.. .and I am beginning to see why that guy in texas went on base and started shooting up the joint (okay that may not have been a fair statement, but I am angry). I don't see how this is an acceptable way to treat family, hey, when we're deployed we give you extra money to help you cope with the loss of your spouse, and when we're home it should alleviate some of the stress when we're gone... but now, no spouse and no money compensation for the fact that he isn't here?? HUH??

I wont keep going, I am mad, and I am feeling vengeful. I could write about it all night, but that isn't the point of this blog.

No, I didn't workout today either. Seeing as I have to function as if my husband's deployed, I guess I am going to have to wait to workout when I can afford childcare. So I suppose I am going to have to stop working out, or choose not to feed my family... seeing as childcare costs as much as feeding them 3 meals. Well, we can eat today, OR I can work out.

And I know what you're thinking.. take her with you! It's a mental workout not a physical workout when you try and walk a mile with a 2 year old. She wont sit in a stroller either.

I want to cry and scream, and to go to my husband's work just to tell them I think they're stupid and they're making me feel unwelcome in my husband's life. I didn't sign on to be treated this way, and if that's the case, what's the point in being married to the guy. Sorry there I go again.

Tomorrow must be better than today, I cannot survive another day like today.

Hell Week

SO I have been slacking off, my waste line has proven that.

This week I am gonna try 7 days of disciplined, hardcore diet and exercise. I get to start going back to the gym, but I am gonna try and do in between 15-60 min workouts.

If I can get thru this week, there is hope for me sticking to the goods for the next month.

My mother and sister are going to be visiting all of July. I am excited, but worried. The food issue is not an issue, I will have no problem sticking to a good diet. As a matter of fact, I am their leading example, and they don't drag me down or become my cohorts for badness (unlike my husband). It's the working out that'll be rough. Firstly, my mother will have her personal schedule, she'll have daily goals I need to work around (I know that makes her sound bad, but it's always been that way, and I can work around her with no issue). Upside I can drag my sister with me to workouts... motivation to work out harder than my outta shape 17 yr old sister.

I see a doc tomorrow for a diabetes update (mostly to get my insulin renewed, all outta refills). Hopefully it goes smoothly, I get to break in a new doc, and in my experience with the military... the new doc is never on the same page as the old one and always threatens to undo what progress was made with the other one. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get a cool doc.

This is so weird... lately I have been dreaming, a lot! This is a good thing, I am having lucid dreams, means I am getting good rest. But the funny thing is most of the dreams are reflecting an emotion I am doing me best to keep down. I think I said it before, I wish I was wanted by more than just my husband, ogled, just to get the attention. It feels nice to know people who aren't in love with you find you sexually attractive, it's an ego boost I have been without for many years.

Now that I am getting my figure back, my face is thinning, etc... it's become a yen for me. A motivator too. I am not aiming to trade up or leave my husband, or screw around. But nothing is better for the self image than some guy making it clear that I am attractive to him. And like I said, it's coming across in my dreams.

Altho- I will admit I get a few more noticeable male looks lately. Except today, well, I was kinda asking for it. I have a sunburn from going swimming the day before yesterday.... and so I am dressing scantily, big boobs, low cut shirt, BRIGHT RED skin... they look... and when they see the tits, they stare. Even my husband noticed this (he was proud as a peacock too). He tried to say that it was cuz I was hot. I said no, it's cuz they could see more of my boobies than most women show.. . I could have been 400 pounds and wearing the same shirt and guys woulda looked anyway... they're guys.

So, hardcore week here I come... self-boot camp for getting back on track.

Less carbs... check
More water... check
Tuesday upper body... check
Thursday all over... check
Sunday lower body... check
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday... either walk the dog, watch the celebrity fit club video and participate, or go to the pool and move around for an hour (with sunblock this time)... check
Smaller portions... check
Check blood sugar more than 2 times a day (yes, I have been slacking there too)... check

I SOOOOOooo can get-r-done! +235

How do you spell stress?

AAARGH!!

Okay, let's start off the week (sunday) with my period... nope didnt get pregnant this round.

And add 2 pounds from loss of self controll due to period.

Then send my support out to do army stuff that keeps his occupied 20/24 hours of the day.

AND a toddler who's so insecure without her father that she must either be in physical contact with me, or within 2 feet... saying "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy..."

It's been a rough week. I didnt even have a vehicle so I could go to the gym, not that I could seeing as I have no childcare.

I'll say it again, it's been a rough week.

Providing I can afford the gas, I am going to marathon workout this weekend. Saturday and Sunday. Maybe not the best plan of action, but I am stressed and I want to get away from my kid. I will be sore, tired, and ill tempered. But hey... it's a change of scenery!

+235 BLAH!!

...and the results are in....

End of the week, and the doc held true to his statement, he told me the finally test would likely be run on friday, and it was and he called me.

I definitely for sure ovulated! SWEET!

What this means: if we were successful, well, we'll know in about a week or so (gotta miss it before I can get the test done), if we've failed this round, clomid still works and I have a follow up appt next month, altho, I will miss a month of chemically induced ovulation (maybe my body will take the hint and try on it's own). But the upside... maybe I'll miss the May birth.

May in my house is expensive, 3 moms to gift for mother's day (me, mom and mom-in-law), my BFF's birthday, my dad's birthday and my wedding anniversary... there are a few birthday's more, but I get away with well wishes on those most of the time. So to add in a baby birth right around then would be financially disastrous, to say the least. If we were successful this time, March will be the new may. It'll be husband's birthday, sis-in-law's birthday, and baby.

I am a little worried tho. To be honest. I think I felt myself ovulate... twice. It was like pinch left, pinch right. Clomid can do that. So my daydreaming has drifted into the scary lately. Twins, the thought makes me shudder.

Well, don't count my chickens before they're hatched... right!?

Been so/so on food lately. +233

something

I was crazy munchie yesterday, I munched not so good things. However... +233 today (who knew?!). When I mentioned this phenomenon to the doc he figured my metabolism is keeping up with my few bad days, and admitted that we cant be good ALL the time (hahaha medical conformation, you hear it here first!!).

Work out the legs today. Not much more to share than that.

SWEET sweet vindication!

Okay so last saturday my husband accidentally took out our internet cables with the mower... needless to say, we're back online now.

Just saw the doc... A1C is 5.6!!! That's fantabulous!

My body behaved the way it should've on the clomid, but the ovulation test results weren't back yet. However, there is a pregnancy blood test with my name on it, waiting for me if/when I miss my period. =D

Do I feel like we were successful? Everything weird going on is easily explained away. But when added together, could very well be a yes, but I am not getting my hopes up. It took 2 rounds of clomid to get my daughter. My boobs have been sensitive-ish, not all day every day but here and there. I have been lactating a little here and there too (but I have been doing that since my 2nd trimester of pregnancy with my now 2 yr old). I have been tired and hungry here and there too, but with wonky blood sugar issues that can be attributed to high or low easily. I have been feeling pressure in my uterine area, however, with the frequency and enthusiasm in which we are trying to get pregnant, I could have developed a low grade bladder infection (and since I cant drink cranberry juice due to the sugar, I am gonna hold out for a missed period before I mention it to the doc).

I went to see a physical therapist last friday. I was referred for a workout work up, to help me loose weight. He didn't know what to do with me, the doc thought my workout was pretty decent, alot of cardio he said. He thought we could add some strength training. I told him I was avoiding that so I wouldn't bulk up and gain weight. He said that I would have to go on a solely protein diet and work out everyday for that to happen. So with renewed confidence I changed my workout.

So on Sundays I will be doing 20mins elliptical, 75 crunches, 3 separate upper body machines (2 reps per), and 20 mins bike (did that last sun, and PS my arms still hurt). Then tuesdays, it'll be same ol same ol (elipt, crunches, row, bike). Then thursdays will be like sundays only replace upper body with lower. I also will be staying towards less noticeable muscle groups, just in case. So my under arms, chest, back, yes... my biceps, shoulders, no. The back of my legs, inner thighs, hips, butt yes, my thighs, and calves (which are already HUGE) no.

It's nice to have medical vindication. It boosts my confidence, especially when I can (altho I don't notice it that much anymore) feel the eyes of someone looking at me and judging me by my weight. It never bothered me much before, but it really doesn't bother me now LOL!

I saw 233 yesterday!! Altho I will admit I was +234 this morning, as I was 2 days ago... I am hoping to see 230 before my mom comes to visit next month! It's happening! WOO HOO!!

quick post

where have I been?

Well, I have been wallowing in frustration.

It seems I am not changing much in my life, and yet my glucose numbers are rising and rising. Diet is still sound, exercise has been intermittent, mostly because I have been sapped of all energy. I will be working out today. But I don't know what the hell is with me. I am trying to hold out until I see my doc next week. But this is ridiculous. I am taking way WAY more insulin than before. And it's just not helping. SOS SOS SOS. What is wrong with me? +236

self sabotage

I was in a conversation with someone and she asked me the same thing I am about to ask you... why is it when we're dieting, exercising and successful, we try and screw it up, and usually do?

I have been thinking on that question for a couple of days now. I know I am not the only guilty person who does it.

And when I do it, I always rationalize it away. "I deserve this", "I will make it up at the gym later", "I didn't eat much today" whatever the rationalization... you still screwed up!

So why?

Yesterday I did pretty good, went to the gym, made dinner, and said I wasn't going to engorge myself on won tons. I did. And then my partner in crime husband talked me into going to sonic. Sigh. I could have been good, and ordered a diet drink. I wanted to. And I got stuck in a rationalization. He went to the hospital saturday. Kidney stones. We think the main culprit is too much soda. So the mean nurse that I am, I said no soda for a week. So 1/2 of me wanted to be supportive and not order soda, but 1/2 of me wanted to be good, diet soda is about the only semi-angelic thing I can order on the menu. Oreo blast. FOR SHAME.

Why?

What I think it is, what it boils right down to... is food band aide. Think about your emotions when you make the bad choices. Beat down, defeated, disappointed in yourself?? No matter how you rationalize it, you're not happy, and what are you doing? Putting a food band aide on it.

I think it's time for all of us to find a better outlet. Not just that, but maybe get some kind of FA (rather than AA) sponsorship going. If you cant find an outlet to distract you when you want to screw yourself over, call your sponsor... hello, it's me, I want chocolate.

No more shooting ourselves in the foot!

+237 again, and insulin needs are rising, this week I gotta reign it in.

grrr

So thursday's workout was nice, almost wanted to go friday. But I think that was out of guilt.

Thursday I was so good my glucose levels tanked into scaryness, I had to eat candy, real candy, before bed. And then Friday came. And the compulsive need to screw myself took over. I was still low in the am, so I had 2 dry waffles (it's within my limits). Then lunch came, I made a snack wrap, and then chased it with 3 of the little bags of chips. Then dinnertime came... pizza, but I didnt go crazy there, I wanted to, but my tummy was full.

Where is this coming from? Why in the world am I trying to sink my own ship???

I think I am hitting the gym today, definitely tomorrow. +237 still.

Finish everything on your plate...

Eat everything on your plate! Don't you know that there are children starving in other countries?!?!


If you are about my age, you remember that sentence well.

Someone mentioned to me that they feel guilty for not finishing everything on their plate. I do too... and it's something I have looked into and I think I have come up with an answer. It's not a solution, but it might give you an a-ha moment.

My generation especially (us 30 somethings), eat everything put in front of them, with no questions, and if they don't eat it all, they feel badly about it. My parents' generation drove into us that there are people starving elsewhere, that food can be expensive, that we should be grateful. They also heaped on the food.

Not their fault.

Go back one more generation, the generation that raised the generation, that raised my generation (still with me?) our Grandparents. Look at the era they were raised in. In most average households- our grandparents lived through or were born during or just after the depression. They knew loss, the knew hardship, they knew rationing and doing without first hand. That kind of life makes a lasting impression.

So our grandparents raised our parents with the daily reminders of what it was like to go without and have no idea when you could get more (I had to walk 10 miles, in the snow....). And I would even venture to say that having known less, our grandparents may have doled out more onto the dish.

So the depression is still affecting us, or at least our eating habits. Is there a fix? No. Self control is the only way to help yourself. BUT we can fix it for future generations. I find that knowing how my father would give me an adult portion (as a child) and guilt me into finishing it all... would serve my own child a life of being unhealthy and fat, makes me want to do better for her.

LESS IS MORE. I put less on her plate, and if she asks for more... she gets it. If she doesn't want to eat, I don't make her. I let her self- regulate. And don't get me wrong, I wont let her eat chips if that's all she'll eat. If she doesn't want what's for dinner, she doesn't get dinner. Eat or starve. But there are days when I can put raw oysters (not really, just looking for a gross example) in front of her and she'll eat until there are none left in the ocean. And other days when I can put gallons of ice cream (see previous parenthesis) in front of her and she'll shake her head and say "uh uh, nope".

Ideally we should do the same for ourselves. It's the practical aspect that is the challenge.

A suggestion from my nutritionist (and I may have said this before), a 9 inch plate, 50% should be vegetable... of the remaining 50%, 20% is carbs, and 30% is meat/protein. If you just gotta eat more... eat more salad, broccoli, whatever.

--
+237 (it's creeping back, cuz I have been awful)

Another self flagellation- I have been bad. Very lazy and bad. But this is my promise to myself... tomorrow is a new day. Time to tighten the belt, straighten the back, and move in a positive direction.

B- 2 eggs 2 sausage

L- spinach wrap with salami, smoked Gouda, spinach, red onions, pickles. And a side of pretzels (the pretzels prolly pushed my limit)

D- Mexican food. Had a fajita quesadilla. Bad in the fat/calorie dept. And the carbs were relatively under control.

Wanted chocolate the other day, found out that Russel stover makes sugar free chocolate goodness. Went to wal mart tonight and found my section... after I post this I am gonna eat a little but of candy (yay candy!). I have to stay withing the serving recommendation, there are still carbs... but 3 pieces of sugar free candy makes me happy!!

scrap it

Ever have a day when you just wanna say scrap it, start again tomorrow? That was today for me.

I slept a whopping 3 hours, all of which were highly interrupted. Then I got to go get a blood test at 7am. And wait till 9am when my husband's physical therapy was done (oh the joys of owning 1 working vehicle). So I am just a little tired. I wanted to workout, but my lazy ass decided to skip it today, put it off till tomorrow.

And instead of cooking dinner, I opted to go to church's chicken. Which I do okay at. But today OMG... so bad, so gluttonous, so not feeling at all guilty for it, I regret nothing!

Let me preface this by saying, I love love love jalapeno cheese bombers.

They have a habit of running out of chicken strips, and today was no exception... so my husband complained again. The manger gave us dinner gratis!... but they didn't just give us dinner... they tripled up on us... I ordered a single sandwich, they doubled my meat. The kid got an order of 5 nuggets, they gave her 20. I ordered an order of 8 bombers and I got 20 (and ate them all... so good and yet so bad).

Tomorrow it's back on the wagon.... I regret nothing!

random thoughts

I read a publication on diabetes yesterday, mostly out of curiosity. There were some intruiging figures and facts in there. One thing I did take away, was a way to get around HUGE portions... ask for a to go box as soon as the meal is placed in front of you... put 1/2 in the box right away and eat as normal. Wow I liked that!

Also I took away there is a study out there that's showing that drininking more than 8 cola drinks in a day can basically kill your pancreace (that is probably my smoking gun). Food for thought.

Workout went fab yesterday, same ol same ol. I am feeling good, thinking about throwing in some fencing work into the workout, trim my butt up s'more. I also found out I can take ONE guest with me to work out now!! So my sister is in for some fun when she visits! Any other takers??

quantity or quality?

Today is a day many people get together and barbecue, tomorrow too, memorial day weekend seems to be the day to fire up the grill and bring over some buddies and just enjoy a warm day in the sun, eating.

It got me thinking about one thing my nutritionist liked to gripe about, serving size. And I have to say I agree with her, BUT I must amend things before I say she's right.

Yes our serving sizes are out of control, case in point, I ordered a regular drink, and got a large (I thought I was just lucky, got more than I payed for), about 3 days later I went back to the same place, ordered a small drink for my daughter, and she got a medium cup, I asked to be sure if it was right, it was. OMG to see the happy 2 yr old with the giant cup. Our burgers are 3 times the size they should be, side dishes are ridiculous, 3-4 servings per plate.

HOWEVER, no one is forcing you to eat it all... no gun to your head "Eat it or I will shoot you". That is all well under your self-control, and the only one failing you is you.

My amendment... It's not just that we're getting MORE, but more of what's not good. Back to the weekend bbq.... we were invited to one, and I sidestepped it for this very reason (that and one other, they were all smokers and drinkers and we're not). Most of these backyard bbq's assume everyone is just as healthy as they are, so for starters, no diet drinks or unsweetened tea (not down south), just water.

Now what do you eat at a bbq? Hot dogs? Ribs? Hamburgers? Sausage? Whatever the meat(s) of choice are, totally irrelevant. Side dishes; potato salad (50% fat mayo, and carbie potatoes), corn (carbs), bread (carbs), macaroni salad (carbs and mayo again), fruit (sugar), and there might MIGHT be a salad, MAYBE even a veggie tray. So a hot dog and some carrot sticks, woo hoo, wash that down with some water, and that's a killer bbq! Hold me back!

Firstly, why is every American holiday and excuse to eat? Easter "get together and eat copious amounts of ham", memorial and labor days "get together and bbq", Halloween "eat candy", thanksgiving "get together and eat copious amounts of turkey", Christmas "eat Christmas dinner all day starting at 3 pm, just like thanksgiving", new years "get together and drink copiously", okay I guess new year's is an exception. Aside from that, why is it always double, triple and sometimes nothing but carbs and sugars???? YUCK!

My family hated that I put my foot down on thanksgiving, my husband still thinks I am a communist. Dinner is served at DINNER time, 5 ish or later. We have ONE meat, ONE carb, not stuffing AND potatoes AND bread, just ONE... and veggies are VEGGIES not carbs (no peas, beans, corn). At his house growing up there was potatoes, and stuffing, and bread, and corn, and sweet potatoes (with brown sugar and marshmallows), the meat of choice (possibly a second), lima beans, the list goes on. I can at least say for my mother that there was veggie trays to munch on all day, but even we were guilty like that.

What happened to us??

I submit that we need to change and stop blaming others. Take a look at our habits... and take a stand, it starts with us!!

Didn't weigh myself today, sorry. Been a busy day... workout tomorrow, wish me luck!

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

It is still buzzing in my head how much it bothers me that people don't say, omg you've lost so much weight since i've seen you last. I did come up with another possibility, one I really don't like, but it very likely.

People don't notice I am thinner because I am still overweight. Fat is fat. If you are overweight it doesn't matter if it's 10 pounds or 100 pounds. And that makes me sad. Either your fit or your fat. No in between.

Have we as a society become that messed up in the head that body dysmorphic disorder just runs rampant? I don't pretend to be innocent of it either, what I see in the mirror is about 100 pounds heavier than what I really am. And I see people all the time give me such a wide berth when they pass me it's like I am 6 feet wide. I'd say it's all in my head, and I am being paranoid, but I know I'm not.

I'd get on a soap box and say blame tv! Blame the advertisement companies! Blame society! But it doesn't matter who's to blame. It you and me who's gotta fix it. I am not saying put more people on tv that are fat, and I am not saying everyone get thin, and I am not saying love who you are. Altho, some of those things should be done. But maybe we should voice out when we see these things happening, nip it in the bud early on... or teach what BDD is in school, bring a little awareness out in the world.

I dunno, I will just say I am frustrated.

Going to the gym today, I feel like hell, but I am going just the same. Maybe it'll be a good pick me up.

I didnt recognize you!

I didn't recognize you... don't know if that's a compliment or an insult. I strive to blend, I don't expect anyone to remember me (unless we talk and bond).

In the last few weeks I have run into several people who I did talk and bond shortly with, who didn't recognize me at first. The first of which, my ex-next door neighbor from living on base... who "nearly didn't recognize" me. I said, could it be that I am 30 pounds lighter (at that time) and a red head (not anymore)? That one I understood. The people I bought my home from... last week, but that's okay I blocked them out, so I didn't recognize them at first either. But they didn't mention why they didn't know who I was at first... either they never realized it, or were too embarrassed to say "wow you were fatter before!"

Then there was a friend of my husband's who lived with us for a few months last year, he knew us, certainly. He found a few of the pounds I lost for certain. He wasn't surprised at my loss, more happy for me. But again it didn't click with him right away.

I wish I had old and new photos to share with you. Because I find myself thinking... is a 40 pound loss that unnoticeable? Or are they just being polite? Yes, I am still fat, but definitely not as fat as before. I suppose I wish someone would see it in me without me fishing for it. I would love to hear it, no matter how insulting they could make it... wow you were a heifer before! Wow, your face looks so good now! Whatever. I just feel sometimes like the only thing recording a loss is my scale. Well, my husband too- but he'd love me if I was 400 pounds.

AND by the way 48/41/46 (hips, waist, bust last measured was 52/46/49 on april 22nd) +235!!!

(holy crap that's -3in on my tits, -5in on my waist and -4in on my hips!!)

Not much had changed in my eating habits... good breakfast of egg and sausage, decent lunch of sandwich wrap, mostly veggies, horrid dinner of mc'd's (haven't cooked a lot since the job started, but it's over now!)

Going back to workouts on thursday, I sorta don't wanna, but I need to get back in the swing of things for sure!

cycles and food bandaides

To the mend who read this blog- I apologise for the subject matter; however if this stuff bothers you, I don't know how you'll ever expect to have any long term female companionship in your life.

WHY is it that a menstrual cycle screws everything up!? I wanna eat more, sleep more and lay around listlessly. It's a recipe for disaster when it comes to diet and exercise.

The biggest problem is the "food band aide". It is likely something your parents taught you, if you have this issue, and a behavior impossible to break. This is what you use when you feel bad either emotionally or physically. Bad day? Ice cream! Fall down? Candy!

I can see the ease in doing in to my own child, a sucker stops crying quickly, and a cookie can sweeten up the baddest of attitudes in a flash. My husband is the worst sinner of all in this household. I catch him giving our daughter sweets and snacks to change her mind, attitude, etc. Even worse he does it to himself. If he's had a bad day... chocolate beware! He'll binge eat everything and anything in sight. I have been known to give myself food bandages from time to time. But in general, I try to keep myself under control, and stick to full meals as comfort food (look out sushi- here I come!) and snacks.

There really isn't a cold turkey solution to fixing the bad behavior. Altho, there are some fix-it solutions. If you have to have a sunday for dinner, have a salad for dessert. If it has to be chocolate, stick to ONE regular sized bar, and eat it SLOWLY. If it HAS to be french fries, get a side salad too, or better yet, make them at home, and bake them instead!

Exercise, well, no solution there either I am afraid. But I will say attitude is everything. Exercise isn't something you HAVE to do, it shouldn't be a punishment. If you don't wanna do it. DON'T. By all means, take a day off, take a week off, quit if you want to. Exercise is something you need to make friends with, realize that yes, it's hard, yes, it wears you out, makes you sweat. But it also makes you feel good. Better. Best! It's something that you need to come to terms with personally and do what makes you happy. It's a should, not a have to. And if you can get to a place where it's a want to... you win!

My job is over! I turn in my last bits of paperwork tomorrow! We're still renovating the house, and it needs a big fat spring cleaning. But things should be getting back to normal now. So blogs should come more regularly from here on out. Thanks for sticking with me!

another quickie

Okay, I am doing something right? My numbers are dropping, which is great. I can start lowering my insulin dosages again. Still havent gotten back to having time to workout (but the job is almost over now). I am still eating better than I had been. And the plateau has been broken at last!

I might be able to find time to workout today, altho I am not sure I wanna... PMS'ing again, so exhausted. All I wanna do is sleep. SO we shall see...

by the way, stepped on the scale today.... +236!!!

a day for the soul

You know those days/times when you're working at your job, or home, or with your kids and everything isn't necessarily going wrong, but it isn't quite right. Things are more difficult than you are prepared to handle that day, and you want to quit? Take a day for the soul.

I know in some situations, it's easier said than done.

My kid has been a little hard to handle lately (terrible twos) and work is getting overwhelming, I have put off so much of my life for it already, and now it's becoming even bigger, I want to quit. Last night I almost turned in everything and said thanks, but I don't NEED this crap, and I don't need this job.

Instead, I took a night off and spent it with my family.

They key to nights like this is to only do things you WANT to do, instead of HAVE to do. We ate boiled crawfish (last of the season) cuz it's currently the favorite food in the house (cheap, good, quick, fun, healthy). We went shopping for home stuff, I refused a poopie diaper (take that husband!), and we went home and watched our favorite tv program on dvd (boston legal).

All in all a good day.

Am I prepared to go back to it? More than I was yesterday. Do I still want to quit? YES. WILL I quit? Probably not today. But it's looking like it'll be soon. My income isn't helping out the household, it's for when my mom comes to visit so we can have some fun. I cant workout, I have groceries we bought on the 1st going bad, since I am not home to cook (and my husband WONT cook). My family cant learn to clean up after themselves, so I get to do it all when I get home, since I don't have the ability to sit in the mess like it's nothing. The bottom line is that this job is too much for everyone. But without the extra cash- my mom's visit will consist of her complaining that we cant afford to do anything (and I already owe her about $250 for hotel rooms in New Orleans).

But for at least one more day, I am ready to soldier on.

+239

(ate a lot of crwafish last night lol)

Wont do a blow by blow on the diet, I cant remember much of yesterday. Things will be getting back to normal soon.

fell off the face of the earth? I think not!

I fell right off the edge of the world, but I had a rope, and I climbed up it, and I am back! Sorry for my absence.

It got to the point that something had to give. As it turned out, it was 1 week of workouts and blogging. I tried my best to eat as good as I can. I wish I could give every detail of the last week. But with being tired comes memory loss.

I did see my new obgyn (the man helping me get pregnant) and he's sending me for another a1c (yet again) he also gave me a progesterone test, and sadly it's inconclusive. A borderline result, he's pretty sure I didn't ovulate, but the number wasn't a definite yes or no. He's putting me on a clomid challenge, and I get to be a pin cushion for tests during certain points in my next cycle (oh joy). So all I can do now is wait for my next cycle to start, and with the weird bloatedness I have been feeling on n off and the inability to keep from ripping people's heads off when they annoy me, it's any day now.

I got back on the workout last sunday, it felt good, but I ditched that machine that hurt my back, I also scaled it back about 10 mins. 20 on the elliptical, 10 rowing, 15 bike, and 5 sets of 15 at 40 lbs of crunches (I think I need to add 5 pounds).

I am also 238!!! So I have been shrinking slowly. A new photo and measurement aren't far off.

So again, I apologize. I have another month of work, so if you stick with me and have patience, there will be more, better, faster!

hurried

Hey! Another busy day, big surprise there. Tomorrow is looking equally as hurried.

I just cant believe how crazy the day has been, I don't even wanna list what I did. At least my back stopped spasming, I think I stressed it during workout yesterday (that new-ish machine) took ibuprofen last night so I could relax enuff to sleep, that didn't last. With my busy sched. today I either haven't had time to notice the pain, or am too focused and it relaxed out. I have a hunch it's the 1st one.

+242 (as I slowly begin to deflate again)

B- had lunch for breakfast, altho, it was lunch time... kid and I hit the ugly mc d's again. Snack wrap n a few fries for me... yay!

L- lunch was around 3pm, had a delectable sourdough sandwich with pickle, spinach, ham, salami, mozzarella cheese, red onion. I stayed well below all recommended serving sizes on the condiments (mustard and light mayo), bread, meat and cheese. It was like a veggie sandwich with a hint of sandwich lol.

D- Steak, a decent cut. Baked. Roasted red potatoes, asparagus, and broccoli. I ate very few potatoes. Even the kid was a never ending meat and broccoli eater, I think she came to dinner with a hollow leg! There's still a lot of potatoes left... hungry? I'll save you some!

coulda been worse

I wish I could say that this weekend, or mother's day for that matter was restful. I finished my job assignments on friday, so it was a good sign this weekend was gonna be easy.

Instead it allowed us to go to Shreveport and get the floor we'll be installing all over the house. Try loading and unloading 31 boxes of laminate flooring, I only did about 1/3 the work... but it was a workout. Then today was a usual sunday, minus making my own breakfast. I still did laundry, dishes, made dinner... I couldn't even escape the diaper duty.

Am I bitter, yeah I a little. But hey, it's my life, I chose to live it.

+243 (I thought it was a mistake, but no... I gained 3 pounds over night, something just ain't right)

B- husband made me 2/2 eggs sausage (not knowing I moved to 1/1)

Workout, just like last time... was a little harder I will admit, being that I was already tired.

L- salad from charlies

D- Hot dogs on wheat buns, a little bit of chips and guacamole, and a little bit of sugar free ice cream for dessert.

Today was a well behaved day.

Motherhood

This is a subject I have been meaning to broach for sometime, but I thought I would save it for a more appropriate time.

While I was working out, I realized my stamina is much higher that it ever has been before. It's been about 3 years

(possibly more) since I have worked out, and even then, I just couldn't muster the stamina or the ability to push myself as

hard as I do now.

I began to mull over why that was, and only came up with one answer. Motherhood.

Since I have become a mother, I can go longer without food, sleep, or stopping. I can push myself longer, harder and

much more mercilessly. I am amazed everyday on how much taxing abuse I can dole out to myself or endure from others

in the name of caring for others. And of course in that pursuit- not caring for myself at all.

It gives me a new found respect for my own mother.

It also reminds me, that altho it's nice to be able to push myself that hour in the gym even when I want to give up and

quit... I need to remember to look out for me. It's come to the point now, I set alarms to remember to take my insulin, soon

it will be alarms to remember to eat, and take my blood sugar too, bedtime... what else??

I know I'm not alone out there... MOMS... even tho your priorities have shifted toward other's needs first... it's not wrong,

or selfish or sinful to put YOU first. It may be more pressing or rewarding to put you last. But in the end the brass tax of it

is (no matter how blunt this sounds), kids move away, spouses die, and the only person you live with for the rest of your

life is you. No one else is gonna have your back for the rest of your life but you. And no one is to blame for shortening

your life but you.

You may eat well, you may exercise, you may not drink or smoke or engage in risky behavior of the common types. But

not looking out for your own needs, not eating 3 squares and taking breaks, sleeping your average 8, drinking 8 glasses

of water, peeing when your body tells you that you gotta go, showering often, thinking personal selfish thoughts that you

are entitled to have... not doing those things contributes to an early grave too!!!

So moms, non moms and non females, take this to heart; take care of yourself, you are never going to be any good to

anyone else if you don't. In the end if you want to put others first, you're giving them the short end of the stick by screwing

yourself!!!

---- TO all you who are mothers, have mothers, and all you other mutha's... Happy Mother's Day!!-----

+240 (woomp, there it is)

B- my evil husband talked me into the donut shop for a butter flaky fresh baked croissant... they were all out (bastards),

so I settled for an old, squished up croissant with a jalapeno sausage in it (not good, but at least it didn't leave me

wanting more that I should have)

L- on the road, stopped at a BBQ place called Podnuh's... so freaking good. Had sausage (this seems like a theme

today, what is it I am missing eh?) and the most amazing baked beans this side of heaven. Only 1/4 cup if that, and a

bite of not so tasty potato salad.

D- J&T's crawfish shack... mmmm... my mouth is still burning. 1/2 ear of corn, one teeny red potato, 2 pound of boiled

crawfish and one... you guessed it... sausage.

Can anyone spare a vegetable? I seem to be missing some! Green preferred!!!

sinful convenience

I have finally stopped. FINALLY. I have been up and running since 8am. And those of you who don't know me, that's about 4 hours earlier than normal. And those of you who read last night's blog can see how little sleep I got. Man I coulda used a nap today.

Been running errands like crazy.

Food was all bad all day. I can see now why people across America are gaining weight. Convenience foods are what's killing us. If you have a job, kids, and other commitments there is no time to grocery shop and cook good, healthy at home meals. What's quick and easy? Drive thru. And there are SOME healthy alternatives mind you. But they are foods that are still designed to be sitting at a table to eat. Altho, if someone can drive, smoke, text, and apply make up I don't see why eating a salad behind the wheel could present a challenge.

It's a totally bad habit to eat and run. The reason we're gaining weight is that we've moved away from "meal time" which at one point was almost ceremonial. Set the table, say grace, eat with manners and catch up with the family. No, we just cant stop. Things to do, people to see. Still gotta eat, grab n gag drive thru, eat in the car.

The calories alone are mind boggling. Add in the sugars, cholesterol, fat... too many of those grab n gags are gonna lead to grab and drop dead. And you may think that it's not an all the time thing, or even a once a day thing. Fast food isn't the only culprit. What about vending machines? Gas stations? Mini marts? The bottom line is that if you don't make it yourself, you're getting the worst version of whatever it is.

Today had shown me, really... how I got fat, how I got sick, and why. I tried to squeeze WEEKS worth of errands into one day, because this is the 1st day I have had the car and money and free time, all at the same time. I wont bore you with details. But I got a lot done, to the detriment of my diet.

+239 (it's stayed... we'll see tomorrow tho)

B- Mcd's yep... my weakness for Mcd's breakfast took hold, but I was pretty good, sugar wise (fat is another story)... sausage mc muffin NO egg (their eggs are gross).

Workout- same ol same ol, 20 elip. added another set to crunch machine (5 reps of 15@ 40lbs), added 2 sets on a machine that hits my back and shoulder muscles (2 reps of 15 @ 20lbs), 12 on the rowing machine and 20 on the stationary bike with a res. of 5.

L- back again, had to bribe the baby to leave daycare (where she was for my workout) with french fries. 10 piece chicken nuggets are within my dietary limits, but I was STARVING, so I ate a reg. fry too... good thing too, about 10 mins after I ate I remembered to take my sugar... I was 45, tanked after the workout, so those fries ended up being guiltless.

D- bleh, pizza hut, 10 mild buffalo wings (probably okay, but I didn't ask to see the dietary stats on it, I was hungry and they had no salad bar no sandwiches avail. and they were the last place open that had no drive thru) and 2 pizza roll up thingies. I shoulda stopped at one probably.

All in all, for what it was, I am not totally ashamed. But still, not so good.

I get a day off tomorrow, I get to cook!!