the road to hell

the road to hell is paved with good intentions... isn't that what they say?

Today was good and bad. I ate like a good girl, cheerios (plain boring, tastes like shit) for breakfast, leftovers for lunch (one chicken enchilada, homemade, and 1/4 cup refried beans), a bag of chips and a couple grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, okay dinner wasn't that great, food band aide.

Today was not good in the emotion department. Well, it was n wasn't. I saw my new doc (old one got re stationed, and I hate starting over, new doc usually hates what old doc did, and changes it... but not this one). She was happy with my progress. She wants me to go back to 5 meals a day, not gonna happen, and I think, since my A1C is lower than your average healthy person's, I have room to argue against it. Eating snacks makes my sugar skyrocket. She's telling me I am eating too much fat (by judging my snack choices of carrots and dip or a piece of cheese). Altho she's not seeing that it's a piece of cheese, not a pound. And it's low fat dip, seeing as full fat + no gall bladder = toilet. She also wants me to walk everyday. I just don't have the time... and she's a "make the time" kinda doc. Here's the deal... I DON'T WANT to walk everyday. 3 hours a week at the gym is hard enough. I am not adding to it. Not right now, not when I am making serious progress. NO.

My husband's work has made our lives difficult in the last few weeks. And now they sent out a new kicker today. He's no longer allowed to help me when I have doctor's appointments, if I need a babysitter, I have to pay one. Unless I am having surgery or physically unable to drive, he's not allowed to be involved. I have been told that I now need to function as if he's deployed.

Needless to say I am angry, pissed, FLAMING PISSED.. .and I am beginning to see why that guy in texas went on base and started shooting up the joint (okay that may not have been a fair statement, but I am angry). I don't see how this is an acceptable way to treat family, hey, when we're deployed we give you extra money to help you cope with the loss of your spouse, and when we're home it should alleviate some of the stress when we're gone... but now, no spouse and no money compensation for the fact that he isn't here?? HUH??

I wont keep going, I am mad, and I am feeling vengeful. I could write about it all night, but that isn't the point of this blog.

No, I didn't workout today either. Seeing as I have to function as if my husband's deployed, I guess I am going to have to wait to workout when I can afford childcare. So I suppose I am going to have to stop working out, or choose not to feed my family... seeing as childcare costs as much as feeding them 3 meals. Well, we can eat today, OR I can work out.

And I know what you're thinking.. take her with you! It's a mental workout not a physical workout when you try and walk a mile with a 2 year old. She wont sit in a stroller either.

I want to cry and scream, and to go to my husband's work just to tell them I think they're stupid and they're making me feel unwelcome in my husband's life. I didn't sign on to be treated this way, and if that's the case, what's the point in being married to the guy. Sorry there I go again.

Tomorrow must be better than today, I cannot survive another day like today.