SO nearly 3 weeks later...

I'm eating like a starving pig! And bad stuff too... so sue me! On monday I go back on the program (or at lease as close to it as I can manage).

My waist is back, my boobs are huge, everything is flatter, the swelling is totally gone. I have control over MOST of my body now (yay).

And here's the kicker... I started this pregnancy at 233, I have a goal of 220, I gained about 30 pounds during the pregnancy... I cant start working out till after my 6 week post pardom appt, and only easy stuff then (c-section= abdominal surgery, gotta start slow). And I weigh...

227!!!!!!!

Nothing happens fast in a c-section but the baby

(my apologies if this isnt formated into paragraphs and whatnot, I've spent an hour writing it only to try and post it 4 times and everytime it's getting un-formated by the blogging webspace, I'm assuming it's their issue not mine... but please try and read it just the same) Okay, so I looked back a ways, yep I've been ignoring this blog since January. Sorry... but I did warn you back in July, or whenever it was that I found out that I was pregnant, that I was going to be scarce. -WARNING; slightly graphic content possible ahead- I believe I said I had a cyst. It was discovered during the 2nd trimester, actually the 1st, but no one bothered telling me till the 2nd. Way to go military docs!! I got referred to a specialist to watch it, and over 3 visits there was no change. It was mid line (so they couldn't identify exactly what it was attached to), 7 cm's, non-cancerous looking, and leisioned to the back of my uterus blocking the cervix. The specialist recommended a c-section in order to avoid the baby's head trying to go down the birth canal and risk rupture, as well as pulling the cyst at the same time I was open. The military doc's were skeptical, and gave me 2nd opinions that said "well, I've never heard of this being a problem" so I went with a vaginal recommendation, suggested an induction for better control, with the understanding that a c-section was still possible. About 3 weeks to go, I had begun to bravely do self-checks for dilation. Gross, I know, but you know what they said about curiosity and Kats. Needless to say, I was seeing no action. And somewhere between 3 to go and 2 to go, I was very leaky, but I couldn't tell if it was bladder or amniotic. When I saw the doc for my checkup I mentioned the issue, and he checked me. It felt like he went elbow deep to find my cervix, most uncomfortable feeling EVER. He never said anything beyond, "you're not dilated and not leaking amniotic fluid". But I got a call at end of business from the head of the department (and my usual doc) to let me know what the 1st doc didn't bother telling me when I was face to face with him... the baby's station had not changed. She wasn't descending. Which, under normal circumstances was not a big deal. He observed that the cyst was severely tilting my uterus and therefore he felt that she was not going to descend into the birth canal at all (hello, that's what the specialist said might happen, but whatever, how would he know what he was talking about, it's not like he was a SPECIALIST or anything... oh, wait...). So a c-section is was going to be. Firstly, I want to admit to you, that I was staying at 15 pounds gained until about 1 month to go, then I ballooned to 30 pounds gained. I am so ashamed of my lack of self-control, and I am unapologetically hiding behind the excuse "shut the hell up, i'm pregnant!" It was a rough time at the end, and YES! I did hide in food comforts, I also went along the convenience food route a lot, just because it was difficult and exhausting to stand and cook, prep, etc. And no, my husband doesn't cook. On the 4th of April, 2011, my beautiful baby girl was born at 8:23 am. She was... gulp, 9pounds!! My first born was only 7lb 4oz. Yes diabetes was a factor in her weight. I got to see the cyst (twisted, I know). It looked like a pink, softball sized water balloon, with a BIG blue vein. Much bigger than we all thought, more like 10 cm's. However baby and all made it more compacted when we were looking at it. All in all I'd assume it was likely 1 pound alone. And in the end it was my right ovary that developed it. I've lost most of the right ovary, not totally gone, but basically defunct, it could still possibly ovulate, maybe... but don't count on it. Nothing happens fast in a c-section but the baby; why do I say this?! In a vaginal birth, specifically my 1st born, it's a day of labor, with me 15 hours to be precise. Some women may not be as lucky, but still, in the grand scheme of things, it's a day or two (rarely three) of labor. The next day you are up and walking around with such a great change of body mass and weight that you cant even find your center of balance. But you are up and looking closer to yourself than you ever did since 9months before (hell I was looking even better, pre-marrage weight!). In a c-section, specifically my 2nd born, it's 1 or 2 hours on the outside; of being in an operating room, anaesthesia, and snip, snip, whoosh, waaaa, baby. Then sew, sew, sew, recovery room for most, mine was a little more unnerving, sew, sew, sew, cauterise, burn, "what the hell is that smell?", sew, recovery. I HAD to walk that day, they hoped I would pee in the 1st 24 hours, and poo the 1st 48 hours. My body barely changed, and I was so swollen from the chest down it was unnerving. After my 1st born I lost 36 pounds immediately, and I mean, PUSH, baby, placenta, -36 pounds. After my 2nd born I lost 0 pounds immediately, and I mean -9lbs baby, -1lbs cyst, -6lbs placenta, -15lbs fluid... NO CHANGE AT ALL. They must've pumped me FULL of liquid or something, cuz seriously, there's no way from the Thurs. before, that I could have gained the 21 pounds I didn't loose at birth, over the weekend! Thank goodness for the food poisoning or 24 hour bug that shot thru my house last weekend! Otherwise I'd STILL be sitting in utter disappointment at how HUGE I still was (and shut up don't tell me, "well, you just had a baby" cuz I know from the 1st time that there should have been some kind of change immediately). I am now, 236 and loosing daily. 3 pounds off of my starting pregnancy weight. My secret? Well, read the paragraph above again, and add in breast feeding. 3 amazing things happen when you breast feed... 1) your tits get HUGE, which makes your waist look teeny! 2) it's a workout in every feeding, it takes actual calories to feed that little critter sucking the life out of you, it makes you WAY thirsty for water too, 3) it can and often does, give you the major sweats when you aren't doing it... another workout. So yes, I will admit a lot of weight loss is liquid. But I put it back in, usually WHILE I am doing it. It's hard not to go backwards at this point, breast feeding is taxing, and it makes me ninja hungry... Ninja Hungry (n); when one is considering eating, is concisely not hungry, or not that hungry and yet finds out that they not only cant stop eating, but that they were in fact hungrier than they ever considered that they might be. The other thing that's irritating... I cant do much at all. I need to walk, but a long shopping trip leaves me in pain, and I cant walk fast. I cant lift anything heavier than the baby, I cant bend over to get little things I've dropped, or (if I wore shoes instead of flip flops) tie my shoes. So no working out until the proper healing time (approx. 6 weeks) has passed. And when I sit for a little while, I feel like I am capable of climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, but once I laboriously stand... game over, I'm gonna walk the 15 feet to whatever my destination is, repeat it back to my origination and rest another hour. My belly is starting to regain muscle control and some feeling (yes I have numbness still, and was informed that it may not come back, ever). But not shape... and don't get me wrong, I've never had a flat tummy, not even as a svelte teen. It's always been a case of dun lap syndrome to varying degrees (my belly dun-lapped over my belt). But it is now hanging lower than it ever did, has no shape, and looks a lot like a malformed sausage or overfilled bag of ground beef. That, I can wait to slowly work out with time, but man, I thought I had seen my body in a disgusting way when I was 277lbs, HA! I am officially more disgusted. In the end, this is, or should be one of many blogs to come as I get back on the horse. I am saying now, I will be here more often, but not everyday, not yet. I am still not on the program, but I am slowly getting there... what do you want from me it's been 11 days since I gave birth! I don't even sleep thru the night anymore LOL!

What a difference one photo makes

I think I am amazed at how much of a motivator one photo can be.

Realize that I'm going through the ebbs and flows of estrogen, and I cant speak for any other women out there, but when I am at a peak of it- I get girlie.

I am not a make-up wearer, or a girlie clothing, shoes kinda girl. I roll outta bed and throw on something clean. But when that estrogen level is up, I put on make up and do something with my hair, I try to wear something flattering or slightly alluring (as alluring as you can be at 7 months pregnant anyway).

So lately the estrogen level is up up up. I looked so good (to me) the other day that I had to take a picture (it is or will be posted with this or on the main blog site for you to witness).

But seriously I am happily amazed. I am currently 244, 11 pounds heavier than my last photo posted, I am also 7 months pregnant. Trying hard not to gain too much weight so that I will be in a better position post-pregnancy, and it's not hard. But this shift in weight is amazing! I am wearing a jean size I wasn't wearing before I got pregnant. I was briefly in a size 18 back in March, but briefly. I was in a 22 before I popped positive, and have bounced between a 22 and a 24 until just recently. I am in a 20!! OMG!!

All things being what they are, I wont take it for granted, I am abut to hit a rather intense part of the pregnancy, weight is bound to change, pants size and all. But I am basking in this glory for just a minute. I feel good, I look good and I wanna stay that way.

It just reminds me of what I want to do and how I want to go about accomplishing it after this baby is born. I am excited about having her here... yes. But I want to regain the lost ground, I want to be better I want to be able to rename this blog, not 20 more pounds... but something like, I cant believe it!

I can wait the last 2 months, it's that healing time that's going to seem interminable (I may have used the wrong word there, but whatever, you get it).

I know it'll be harder with 2 kids. But no matter how it might be, I know what I am determined to make it be. I'll have to work around the hard parts, but every time I look at that photo, my determination redoubles.

Another Year gone by

Another year gone by, and most uneventful times right now.

I am not a New Year's resolution kinda gal (I made a New Year's resolution when I was 16 to not make any more resolutions). I feel like anything can be accomplished if you really want to do it, you don't need a new year or some self-promise to make it happen.

My husband is back to work after 2 weeks of vacation (altho in the military they call it leave, but we never left, more like a stay-cation). And now my partner in crime is gone and I can get back on track. He let me sleep in, and in his defence, I needed it. But I was waking up past breakfast, therefore not eating it, my numbers are all wacky, hoping that getting back on schedule will fix that. I was eating out too often (seeing as we had free time, money and access to a car), now that's gone. And I am hoping to shed the extra 5 pounds I put on, not pregnancy pounds, no no, these are out and out decadency pounds.

And I know it's unsafe to loose weight while pregnant, but here's the deal, I hit my "you can gain 15 pounds" allowance already, and statistically you gain a pound a week after the 3rd trimester starts and that's happening in about 2 weeks. SO. Back down I go, not by exercising my body, just my will to not eat out or eat crap and to eat regularly. So far so good, starting to see a backwards trend. I capped out at 246 and now this morning I saw 244, if I can loose one more pound that's great, then I am 10 pounds in from starting weight. I can cross my fingers to hit 240 again, then I am totally home free, and I can stop stressing about it.

There is nothing to do for a while, which is annoying because all it does is leave me to fantasize about the future, and far into it as well. Which makes me totally impatient. And I feel like I am just standing around doing nada... blah! Don't get me wrong, I cook, clean, knit, play with my kid, etc. But really feel like nothing is happening.

I am excited for upcoming events. My birthday is coming, and this year we'll have a little money to be able to go out and have a little fun, for a change. And anything is better than last year. Last year my daughter was sick with the flu, we had NO money seeing as our electric bill hit $400, I got a call that said my father was being moved to a hospice because is lung cancer had spread and he was dying, then I spent the next day in the hospital because when I took my daughter into the ER to be seen for liquid diarrhea I mentioned some odd numbness in my left hand... my blood sugar was near 400 (and at that time I was barely diagnosed and totally out of control). Ironically, that was not my worst birthday.

We're also waiting for the W2's to come in. Military is pretty prompt about these things, but I worked for the census last year, so I have to wait until the US gov't is kind enough to mail me mine. We're early filers, mostly because we get paid. This will be a nice return too- not because of size, but because of the burden it lifts. After the car accident we had to get a personal loan of $5000 and we're only 2 or 3 payments in. We can make the payments, but it is a good chunk out of the monthly budget that makes what was tight, yet tighter. So taxes will lighten that burden for now. And I am hoping we can keep enough to finish a few more projects in the house. Like finishing the flooring in a few rooms, and maybe painting one more room that needs is desperately. I can hope on the outside for a couple of lighting fixtures or some gardening goodies, but I think that's pushing it.

Then, of course my baby is due in April, that's the next big hurtle. But seeing as, for the moment I am in limbo- nothing can be planned there. Nothing. Until the doc's decide for certain that the cyst is a danger, for certain... because now they're hemming and hawing, I wont know any details beyond, could be a cesarean here in town (on base actually) or I have to go all the way to Shreveport for a vaginal delivery because I have to have an insulin drip in order to give birth and the hospitals around here don't have that capability. So like I said, limbo. Altho, I will say this- either way it'll be a planned thing, if it's vaginal I am going to stick my neck out and say they'll schedule an induction, seeing as Shreveport is about 3 hours away and all.

Finally, I will be busting my butt to get out to my little sister's Highschool graduation in June! Altho I have to hold my breath. First, we gotta get another personal loan (altho this one will be smaller) and he's gotta get leave, and he might not. I will still go alone, but I prefer not to if I don't gotta, if I did it would be more expensive (we'll have to rent a car) and I'll get less time (don't wanna rent it for too long).

Like I said all looking forward, no current action to take except to keep soldering on.