Working out angry- dangerous. I worked much harder for much longer ignoring my body's signals that things were too much. I went in on the verge of low blood sugar, but being that I was angry, I popped a piece of candy and went to pound out my feelings.
My heart rate peaked at 172 while on the elliptical. I did a 10 min mile... twice. 2 miles on the elliptical (when usually in 20 mins I make about a mile, sometimes slightly less). I was facing a poster which had HUGE lettering stating "army family covenant, keeping our commitment to the army family" and advertising a web site... yahoo or google army family covenant sometime... I did. It's total bullshit, altho the army as a whole is trying to make things better for us family members, single units are contradicting those commitments daily.
I truly am surprised I didn't pull something.
+236
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
the road to hell
the road to hell is paved with good intentions... isn't that what they say?
Today was good and bad. I ate like a good girl, cheerios (plain boring, tastes like shit) for breakfast, leftovers for lunch (one chicken enchilada, homemade, and 1/4 cup refried beans), a bag of chips and a couple grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, okay dinner wasn't that great, food band aide.
Today was not good in the emotion department. Well, it was n wasn't. I saw my new doc (old one got re stationed, and I hate starting over, new doc usually hates what old doc did, and changes it... but not this one). She was happy with my progress. She wants me to go back to 5 meals a day, not gonna happen, and I think, since my A1C is lower than your average healthy person's, I have room to argue against it. Eating snacks makes my sugar skyrocket. She's telling me I am eating too much fat (by judging my snack choices of carrots and dip or a piece of cheese). Altho she's not seeing that it's a piece of cheese, not a pound. And it's low fat dip, seeing as full fat + no gall bladder = toilet. She also wants me to walk everyday. I just don't have the time... and she's a "make the time" kinda doc. Here's the deal... I DON'T WANT to walk everyday. 3 hours a week at the gym is hard enough. I am not adding to it. Not right now, not when I am making serious progress. NO.
My husband's work has made our lives difficult in the last few weeks. And now they sent out a new kicker today. He's no longer allowed to help me when I have doctor's appointments, if I need a babysitter, I have to pay one. Unless I am having surgery or physically unable to drive, he's not allowed to be involved. I have been told that I now need to function as if he's deployed.
Needless to say I am angry, pissed, FLAMING PISSED.. .and I am beginning to see why that guy in texas went on base and started shooting up the joint (okay that may not have been a fair statement, but I am angry). I don't see how this is an acceptable way to treat family, hey, when we're deployed we give you extra money to help you cope with the loss of your spouse, and when we're home it should alleviate some of the stress when we're gone... but now, no spouse and no money compensation for the fact that he isn't here?? HUH??
I wont keep going, I am mad, and I am feeling vengeful. I could write about it all night, but that isn't the point of this blog.
No, I didn't workout today either. Seeing as I have to function as if my husband's deployed, I guess I am going to have to wait to workout when I can afford childcare. So I suppose I am going to have to stop working out, or choose not to feed my family... seeing as childcare costs as much as feeding them 3 meals. Well, we can eat today, OR I can work out.
And I know what you're thinking.. take her with you! It's a mental workout not a physical workout when you try and walk a mile with a 2 year old. She wont sit in a stroller either.
I want to cry and scream, and to go to my husband's work just to tell them I think they're stupid and they're making me feel unwelcome in my husband's life. I didn't sign on to be treated this way, and if that's the case, what's the point in being married to the guy. Sorry there I go again.
Tomorrow must be better than today, I cannot survive another day like today.
Today was good and bad. I ate like a good girl, cheerios (plain boring, tastes like shit) for breakfast, leftovers for lunch (one chicken enchilada, homemade, and 1/4 cup refried beans), a bag of chips and a couple grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, okay dinner wasn't that great, food band aide.
Today was not good in the emotion department. Well, it was n wasn't. I saw my new doc (old one got re stationed, and I hate starting over, new doc usually hates what old doc did, and changes it... but not this one). She was happy with my progress. She wants me to go back to 5 meals a day, not gonna happen, and I think, since my A1C is lower than your average healthy person's, I have room to argue against it. Eating snacks makes my sugar skyrocket. She's telling me I am eating too much fat (by judging my snack choices of carrots and dip or a piece of cheese). Altho she's not seeing that it's a piece of cheese, not a pound. And it's low fat dip, seeing as full fat + no gall bladder = toilet. She also wants me to walk everyday. I just don't have the time... and she's a "make the time" kinda doc. Here's the deal... I DON'T WANT to walk everyday. 3 hours a week at the gym is hard enough. I am not adding to it. Not right now, not when I am making serious progress. NO.
My husband's work has made our lives difficult in the last few weeks. And now they sent out a new kicker today. He's no longer allowed to help me when I have doctor's appointments, if I need a babysitter, I have to pay one. Unless I am having surgery or physically unable to drive, he's not allowed to be involved. I have been told that I now need to function as if he's deployed.
Needless to say I am angry, pissed, FLAMING PISSED.. .and I am beginning to see why that guy in texas went on base and started shooting up the joint (okay that may not have been a fair statement, but I am angry). I don't see how this is an acceptable way to treat family, hey, when we're deployed we give you extra money to help you cope with the loss of your spouse, and when we're home it should alleviate some of the stress when we're gone... but now, no spouse and no money compensation for the fact that he isn't here?? HUH??
I wont keep going, I am mad, and I am feeling vengeful. I could write about it all night, but that isn't the point of this blog.
No, I didn't workout today either. Seeing as I have to function as if my husband's deployed, I guess I am going to have to wait to workout when I can afford childcare. So I suppose I am going to have to stop working out, or choose not to feed my family... seeing as childcare costs as much as feeding them 3 meals. Well, we can eat today, OR I can work out.
And I know what you're thinking.. take her with you! It's a mental workout not a physical workout when you try and walk a mile with a 2 year old. She wont sit in a stroller either.
I want to cry and scream, and to go to my husband's work just to tell them I think they're stupid and they're making me feel unwelcome in my husband's life. I didn't sign on to be treated this way, and if that's the case, what's the point in being married to the guy. Sorry there I go again.
Tomorrow must be better than today, I cannot survive another day like today.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Hell Week
SO I have been slacking off, my waste line has proven that.
This week I am gonna try 7 days of disciplined, hardcore diet and exercise. I get to start going back to the gym, but I am gonna try and do in between 15-60 min workouts.
If I can get thru this week, there is hope for me sticking to the goods for the next month.
My mother and sister are going to be visiting all of July. I am excited, but worried. The food issue is not an issue, I will have no problem sticking to a good diet. As a matter of fact, I am their leading example, and they don't drag me down or become my cohorts for badness (unlike my husband). It's the working out that'll be rough. Firstly, my mother will have her personal schedule, she'll have daily goals I need to work around (I know that makes her sound bad, but it's always been that way, and I can work around her with no issue). Upside I can drag my sister with me to workouts... motivation to work out harder than my outta shape 17 yr old sister.
I see a doc tomorrow for a diabetes update (mostly to get my insulin renewed, all outta refills). Hopefully it goes smoothly, I get to break in a new doc, and in my experience with the military... the new doc is never on the same page as the old one and always threatens to undo what progress was made with the other one. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get a cool doc.
This is so weird... lately I have been dreaming, a lot! This is a good thing, I am having lucid dreams, means I am getting good rest. But the funny thing is most of the dreams are reflecting an emotion I am doing me best to keep down. I think I said it before, I wish I was wanted by more than just my husband, ogled, just to get the attention. It feels nice to know people who aren't in love with you find you sexually attractive, it's an ego boost I have been without for many years.
Now that I am getting my figure back, my face is thinning, etc... it's become a yen for me. A motivator too. I am not aiming to trade up or leave my husband, or screw around. But nothing is better for the self image than some guy making it clear that I am attractive to him. And like I said, it's coming across in my dreams.
Altho- I will admit I get a few more noticeable male looks lately. Except today, well, I was kinda asking for it. I have a sunburn from going swimming the day before yesterday.... and so I am dressing scantily, big boobs, low cut shirt, BRIGHT RED skin... they look... and when they see the tits, they stare. Even my husband noticed this (he was proud as a peacock too). He tried to say that it was cuz I was hot. I said no, it's cuz they could see more of my boobies than most women show.. . I could have been 400 pounds and wearing the same shirt and guys woulda looked anyway... they're guys.
So, hardcore week here I come... self-boot camp for getting back on track.
Less carbs... check
More water... check
Tuesday upper body... check
Thursday all over... check
Sunday lower body... check
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday... either walk the dog, watch the celebrity fit club video and participate, or go to the pool and move around for an hour (with sunblock this time)... check
Smaller portions... check
Check blood sugar more than 2 times a day (yes, I have been slacking there too)... check
I SOOOOOooo can get-r-done! +235
This week I am gonna try 7 days of disciplined, hardcore diet and exercise. I get to start going back to the gym, but I am gonna try and do in between 15-60 min workouts.
If I can get thru this week, there is hope for me sticking to the goods for the next month.
My mother and sister are going to be visiting all of July. I am excited, but worried. The food issue is not an issue, I will have no problem sticking to a good diet. As a matter of fact, I am their leading example, and they don't drag me down or become my cohorts for badness (unlike my husband). It's the working out that'll be rough. Firstly, my mother will have her personal schedule, she'll have daily goals I need to work around (I know that makes her sound bad, but it's always been that way, and I can work around her with no issue). Upside I can drag my sister with me to workouts... motivation to work out harder than my outta shape 17 yr old sister.
I see a doc tomorrow for a diabetes update (mostly to get my insulin renewed, all outta refills). Hopefully it goes smoothly, I get to break in a new doc, and in my experience with the military... the new doc is never on the same page as the old one and always threatens to undo what progress was made with the other one. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get a cool doc.
This is so weird... lately I have been dreaming, a lot! This is a good thing, I am having lucid dreams, means I am getting good rest. But the funny thing is most of the dreams are reflecting an emotion I am doing me best to keep down. I think I said it before, I wish I was wanted by more than just my husband, ogled, just to get the attention. It feels nice to know people who aren't in love with you find you sexually attractive, it's an ego boost I have been without for many years.
Now that I am getting my figure back, my face is thinning, etc... it's become a yen for me. A motivator too. I am not aiming to trade up or leave my husband, or screw around. But nothing is better for the self image than some guy making it clear that I am attractive to him. And like I said, it's coming across in my dreams.
Altho- I will admit I get a few more noticeable male looks lately. Except today, well, I was kinda asking for it. I have a sunburn from going swimming the day before yesterday.... and so I am dressing scantily, big boobs, low cut shirt, BRIGHT RED skin... they look... and when they see the tits, they stare. Even my husband noticed this (he was proud as a peacock too). He tried to say that it was cuz I was hot. I said no, it's cuz they could see more of my boobies than most women show.. . I could have been 400 pounds and wearing the same shirt and guys woulda looked anyway... they're guys.
So, hardcore week here I come... self-boot camp for getting back on track.
Less carbs... check
More water... check
Tuesday upper body... check
Thursday all over... check
Sunday lower body... check
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday... either walk the dog, watch the celebrity fit club video and participate, or go to the pool and move around for an hour (with sunblock this time)... check
Smaller portions... check
Check blood sugar more than 2 times a day (yes, I have been slacking there too)... check
I SOOOOOooo can get-r-done! +235
Friday, June 25, 2010
How do you spell stress?
AAARGH!!
Okay, let's start off the week (sunday) with my period... nope didnt get pregnant this round.
And add 2 pounds from loss of self controll due to period.
Then send my support out to do army stuff that keeps his occupied 20/24 hours of the day.
AND a toddler who's so insecure without her father that she must either be in physical contact with me, or within 2 feet... saying "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy..."
It's been a rough week. I didnt even have a vehicle so I could go to the gym, not that I could seeing as I have no childcare.
I'll say it again, it's been a rough week.
Providing I can afford the gas, I am going to marathon workout this weekend. Saturday and Sunday. Maybe not the best plan of action, but I am stressed and I want to get away from my kid. I will be sore, tired, and ill tempered. But hey... it's a change of scenery!
+235 BLAH!!
Okay, let's start off the week (sunday) with my period... nope didnt get pregnant this round.
And add 2 pounds from loss of self controll due to period.
Then send my support out to do army stuff that keeps his occupied 20/24 hours of the day.
AND a toddler who's so insecure without her father that she must either be in physical contact with me, or within 2 feet... saying "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy..."
It's been a rough week. I didnt even have a vehicle so I could go to the gym, not that I could seeing as I have no childcare.
I'll say it again, it's been a rough week.
Providing I can afford the gas, I am going to marathon workout this weekend. Saturday and Sunday. Maybe not the best plan of action, but I am stressed and I want to get away from my kid. I will be sore, tired, and ill tempered. But hey... it's a change of scenery!
+235 BLAH!!
Friday, June 18, 2010
...and the results are in....
End of the week, and the doc held true to his statement, he told me the finally test would likely be run on friday, and it was and he called me.
I definitely for sure ovulated! SWEET!
What this means: if we were successful, well, we'll know in about a week or so (gotta miss it before I can get the test done), if we've failed this round, clomid still works and I have a follow up appt next month, altho, I will miss a month of chemically induced ovulation (maybe my body will take the hint and try on it's own). But the upside... maybe I'll miss the May birth.
May in my house is expensive, 3 moms to gift for mother's day (me, mom and mom-in-law), my BFF's birthday, my dad's birthday and my wedding anniversary... there are a few birthday's more, but I get away with well wishes on those most of the time. So to add in a baby birth right around then would be financially disastrous, to say the least. If we were successful this time, March will be the new may. It'll be husband's birthday, sis-in-law's birthday, and baby.
I am a little worried tho. To be honest. I think I felt myself ovulate... twice. It was like pinch left, pinch right. Clomid can do that. So my daydreaming has drifted into the scary lately. Twins, the thought makes me shudder.
Well, don't count my chickens before they're hatched... right!?
Been so/so on food lately. +233
I definitely for sure ovulated! SWEET!
What this means: if we were successful, well, we'll know in about a week or so (gotta miss it before I can get the test done), if we've failed this round, clomid still works and I have a follow up appt next month, altho, I will miss a month of chemically induced ovulation (maybe my body will take the hint and try on it's own). But the upside... maybe I'll miss the May birth.
May in my house is expensive, 3 moms to gift for mother's day (me, mom and mom-in-law), my BFF's birthday, my dad's birthday and my wedding anniversary... there are a few birthday's more, but I get away with well wishes on those most of the time. So to add in a baby birth right around then would be financially disastrous, to say the least. If we were successful this time, March will be the new may. It'll be husband's birthday, sis-in-law's birthday, and baby.
I am a little worried tho. To be honest. I think I felt myself ovulate... twice. It was like pinch left, pinch right. Clomid can do that. So my daydreaming has drifted into the scary lately. Twins, the thought makes me shudder.
Well, don't count my chickens before they're hatched... right!?
Been so/so on food lately. +233
Thursday, June 17, 2010
something
I was crazy munchie yesterday, I munched not so good things. However... +233 today (who knew?!). When I mentioned this phenomenon to the doc he figured my metabolism is keeping up with my few bad days, and admitted that we cant be good ALL the time (hahaha medical conformation, you hear it here first!!).
Work out the legs today. Not much more to share than that.
Work out the legs today. Not much more to share than that.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
SWEET sweet vindication!
Okay so last saturday my husband accidentally took out our internet cables with the mower... needless to say, we're back online now.
Just saw the doc... A1C is 5.6!!! That's fantabulous!
My body behaved the way it should've on the clomid, but the ovulation test results weren't back yet. However, there is a pregnancy blood test with my name on it, waiting for me if/when I miss my period. =D
Do I feel like we were successful? Everything weird going on is easily explained away. But when added together, could very well be a yes, but I am not getting my hopes up. It took 2 rounds of clomid to get my daughter. My boobs have been sensitive-ish, not all day every day but here and there. I have been lactating a little here and there too (but I have been doing that since my 2nd trimester of pregnancy with my now 2 yr old). I have been tired and hungry here and there too, but with wonky blood sugar issues that can be attributed to high or low easily. I have been feeling pressure in my uterine area, however, with the frequency and enthusiasm in which we are trying to get pregnant, I could have developed a low grade bladder infection (and since I cant drink cranberry juice due to the sugar, I am gonna hold out for a missed period before I mention it to the doc).
I went to see a physical therapist last friday. I was referred for a workout work up, to help me loose weight. He didn't know what to do with me, the doc thought my workout was pretty decent, alot of cardio he said. He thought we could add some strength training. I told him I was avoiding that so I wouldn't bulk up and gain weight. He said that I would have to go on a solely protein diet and work out everyday for that to happen. So with renewed confidence I changed my workout.
So on Sundays I will be doing 20mins elliptical, 75 crunches, 3 separate upper body machines (2 reps per), and 20 mins bike (did that last sun, and PS my arms still hurt). Then tuesdays, it'll be same ol same ol (elipt, crunches, row, bike). Then thursdays will be like sundays only replace upper body with lower. I also will be staying towards less noticeable muscle groups, just in case. So my under arms, chest, back, yes... my biceps, shoulders, no. The back of my legs, inner thighs, hips, butt yes, my thighs, and calves (which are already HUGE) no.
It's nice to have medical vindication. It boosts my confidence, especially when I can (altho I don't notice it that much anymore) feel the eyes of someone looking at me and judging me by my weight. It never bothered me much before, but it really doesn't bother me now LOL!
I saw 233 yesterday!! Altho I will admit I was +234 this morning, as I was 2 days ago... I am hoping to see 230 before my mom comes to visit next month! It's happening! WOO HOO!!
Just saw the doc... A1C is 5.6!!! That's fantabulous!
My body behaved the way it should've on the clomid, but the ovulation test results weren't back yet. However, there is a pregnancy blood test with my name on it, waiting for me if/when I miss my period. =D
Do I feel like we were successful? Everything weird going on is easily explained away. But when added together, could very well be a yes, but I am not getting my hopes up. It took 2 rounds of clomid to get my daughter. My boobs have been sensitive-ish, not all day every day but here and there. I have been lactating a little here and there too (but I have been doing that since my 2nd trimester of pregnancy with my now 2 yr old). I have been tired and hungry here and there too, but with wonky blood sugar issues that can be attributed to high or low easily. I have been feeling pressure in my uterine area, however, with the frequency and enthusiasm in which we are trying to get pregnant, I could have developed a low grade bladder infection (and since I cant drink cranberry juice due to the sugar, I am gonna hold out for a missed period before I mention it to the doc).
I went to see a physical therapist last friday. I was referred for a workout work up, to help me loose weight. He didn't know what to do with me, the doc thought my workout was pretty decent, alot of cardio he said. He thought we could add some strength training. I told him I was avoiding that so I wouldn't bulk up and gain weight. He said that I would have to go on a solely protein diet and work out everyday for that to happen. So with renewed confidence I changed my workout.
So on Sundays I will be doing 20mins elliptical, 75 crunches, 3 separate upper body machines (2 reps per), and 20 mins bike (did that last sun, and PS my arms still hurt). Then tuesdays, it'll be same ol same ol (elipt, crunches, row, bike). Then thursdays will be like sundays only replace upper body with lower. I also will be staying towards less noticeable muscle groups, just in case. So my under arms, chest, back, yes... my biceps, shoulders, no. The back of my legs, inner thighs, hips, butt yes, my thighs, and calves (which are already HUGE) no.
It's nice to have medical vindication. It boosts my confidence, especially when I can (altho I don't notice it that much anymore) feel the eyes of someone looking at me and judging me by my weight. It never bothered me much before, but it really doesn't bother me now LOL!
I saw 233 yesterday!! Altho I will admit I was +234 this morning, as I was 2 days ago... I am hoping to see 230 before my mom comes to visit next month! It's happening! WOO HOO!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
quick post
where have I been?
Well, I have been wallowing in frustration.
It seems I am not changing much in my life, and yet my glucose numbers are rising and rising. Diet is still sound, exercise has been intermittent, mostly because I have been sapped of all energy. I will be working out today. But I don't know what the hell is with me. I am trying to hold out until I see my doc next week. But this is ridiculous. I am taking way WAY more insulin than before. And it's just not helping. SOS SOS SOS. What is wrong with me? +236
Well, I have been wallowing in frustration.
It seems I am not changing much in my life, and yet my glucose numbers are rising and rising. Diet is still sound, exercise has been intermittent, mostly because I have been sapped of all energy. I will be working out today. But I don't know what the hell is with me. I am trying to hold out until I see my doc next week. But this is ridiculous. I am taking way WAY more insulin than before. And it's just not helping. SOS SOS SOS. What is wrong with me? +236
Monday, June 7, 2010
self sabotage
I was in a conversation with someone and she asked me the same thing I am about to ask you... why is it when we're dieting, exercising and successful, we try and screw it up, and usually do?
I have been thinking on that question for a couple of days now. I know I am not the only guilty person who does it.
And when I do it, I always rationalize it away. "I deserve this", "I will make it up at the gym later", "I didn't eat much today" whatever the rationalization... you still screwed up!
So why?
Yesterday I did pretty good, went to the gym, made dinner, and said I wasn't going to engorge myself on won tons. I did. And then my partner in crime husband talked me into going to sonic. Sigh. I could have been good, and ordered a diet drink. I wanted to. And I got stuck in a rationalization. He went to the hospital saturday. Kidney stones. We think the main culprit is too much soda. So the mean nurse that I am, I said no soda for a week. So 1/2 of me wanted to be supportive and not order soda, but 1/2 of me wanted to be good, diet soda is about the only semi-angelic thing I can order on the menu. Oreo blast. FOR SHAME.
Why?
What I think it is, what it boils right down to... is food band aide. Think about your emotions when you make the bad choices. Beat down, defeated, disappointed in yourself?? No matter how you rationalize it, you're not happy, and what are you doing? Putting a food band aide on it.
I think it's time for all of us to find a better outlet. Not just that, but maybe get some kind of FA (rather than AA) sponsorship going. If you cant find an outlet to distract you when you want to screw yourself over, call your sponsor... hello, it's me, I want chocolate.
No more shooting ourselves in the foot!
+237 again, and insulin needs are rising, this week I gotta reign it in.
I have been thinking on that question for a couple of days now. I know I am not the only guilty person who does it.
And when I do it, I always rationalize it away. "I deserve this", "I will make it up at the gym later", "I didn't eat much today" whatever the rationalization... you still screwed up!
So why?
Yesterday I did pretty good, went to the gym, made dinner, and said I wasn't going to engorge myself on won tons. I did. And then my partner in crime husband talked me into going to sonic. Sigh. I could have been good, and ordered a diet drink. I wanted to. And I got stuck in a rationalization. He went to the hospital saturday. Kidney stones. We think the main culprit is too much soda. So the mean nurse that I am, I said no soda for a week. So 1/2 of me wanted to be supportive and not order soda, but 1/2 of me wanted to be good, diet soda is about the only semi-angelic thing I can order on the menu. Oreo blast. FOR SHAME.
Why?
What I think it is, what it boils right down to... is food band aide. Think about your emotions when you make the bad choices. Beat down, defeated, disappointed in yourself?? No matter how you rationalize it, you're not happy, and what are you doing? Putting a food band aide on it.
I think it's time for all of us to find a better outlet. Not just that, but maybe get some kind of FA (rather than AA) sponsorship going. If you cant find an outlet to distract you when you want to screw yourself over, call your sponsor... hello, it's me, I want chocolate.
No more shooting ourselves in the foot!
+237 again, and insulin needs are rising, this week I gotta reign it in.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
grrr
So thursday's workout was nice, almost wanted to go friday. But I think that was out of guilt.
Thursday I was so good my glucose levels tanked into scaryness, I had to eat candy, real candy, before bed. And then Friday came. And the compulsive need to screw myself took over. I was still low in the am, so I had 2 dry waffles (it's within my limits). Then lunch came, I made a snack wrap, and then chased it with 3 of the little bags of chips. Then dinnertime came... pizza, but I didnt go crazy there, I wanted to, but my tummy was full.
Where is this coming from? Why in the world am I trying to sink my own ship???
I think I am hitting the gym today, definitely tomorrow. +237 still.
Thursday I was so good my glucose levels tanked into scaryness, I had to eat candy, real candy, before bed. And then Friday came. And the compulsive need to screw myself took over. I was still low in the am, so I had 2 dry waffles (it's within my limits). Then lunch came, I made a snack wrap, and then chased it with 3 of the little bags of chips. Then dinnertime came... pizza, but I didnt go crazy there, I wanted to, but my tummy was full.
Where is this coming from? Why in the world am I trying to sink my own ship???
I think I am hitting the gym today, definitely tomorrow. +237 still.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Finish everything on your plate...
Eat everything on your plate! Don't you know that there are children starving in other countries?!?!
If you are about my age, you remember that sentence well.
Someone mentioned to me that they feel guilty for not finishing everything on their plate. I do too... and it's something I have looked into and I think I have come up with an answer. It's not a solution, but it might give you an a-ha moment.
My generation especially (us 30 somethings), eat everything put in front of them, with no questions, and if they don't eat it all, they feel badly about it. My parents' generation drove into us that there are people starving elsewhere, that food can be expensive, that we should be grateful. They also heaped on the food.
Not their fault.
Go back one more generation, the generation that raised the generation, that raised my generation (still with me?) our Grandparents. Look at the era they were raised in. In most average households- our grandparents lived through or were born during or just after the depression. They knew loss, the knew hardship, they knew rationing and doing without first hand. That kind of life makes a lasting impression.
So our grandparents raised our parents with the daily reminders of what it was like to go without and have no idea when you could get more (I had to walk 10 miles, in the snow....). And I would even venture to say that having known less, our grandparents may have doled out more onto the dish.
So the depression is still affecting us, or at least our eating habits. Is there a fix? No. Self control is the only way to help yourself. BUT we can fix it for future generations. I find that knowing how my father would give me an adult portion (as a child) and guilt me into finishing it all... would serve my own child a life of being unhealthy and fat, makes me want to do better for her.
LESS IS MORE. I put less on her plate, and if she asks for more... she gets it. If she doesn't want to eat, I don't make her. I let her self- regulate. And don't get me wrong, I wont let her eat chips if that's all she'll eat. If she doesn't want what's for dinner, she doesn't get dinner. Eat or starve. But there are days when I can put raw oysters (not really, just looking for a gross example) in front of her and she'll eat until there are none left in the ocean. And other days when I can put gallons of ice cream (see previous parenthesis) in front of her and she'll shake her head and say "uh uh, nope".
Ideally we should do the same for ourselves. It's the practical aspect that is the challenge.
A suggestion from my nutritionist (and I may have said this before), a 9 inch plate, 50% should be vegetable... of the remaining 50%, 20% is carbs, and 30% is meat/protein. If you just gotta eat more... eat more salad, broccoli, whatever.
--
+237 (it's creeping back, cuz I have been awful)
Another self flagellation- I have been bad. Very lazy and bad. But this is my promise to myself... tomorrow is a new day. Time to tighten the belt, straighten the back, and move in a positive direction.
B- 2 eggs 2 sausage
L- spinach wrap with salami, smoked Gouda, spinach, red onions, pickles. And a side of pretzels (the pretzels prolly pushed my limit)
D- Mexican food. Had a fajita quesadilla. Bad in the fat/calorie dept. And the carbs were relatively under control.
Wanted chocolate the other day, found out that Russel stover makes sugar free chocolate goodness. Went to wal mart tonight and found my section... after I post this I am gonna eat a little but of candy (yay candy!). I have to stay withing the serving recommendation, there are still carbs... but 3 pieces of sugar free candy makes me happy!!
If you are about my age, you remember that sentence well.
Someone mentioned to me that they feel guilty for not finishing everything on their plate. I do too... and it's something I have looked into and I think I have come up with an answer. It's not a solution, but it might give you an a-ha moment.
My generation especially (us 30 somethings), eat everything put in front of them, with no questions, and if they don't eat it all, they feel badly about it. My parents' generation drove into us that there are people starving elsewhere, that food can be expensive, that we should be grateful. They also heaped on the food.
Not their fault.
Go back one more generation, the generation that raised the generation, that raised my generation (still with me?) our Grandparents. Look at the era they were raised in. In most average households- our grandparents lived through or were born during or just after the depression. They knew loss, the knew hardship, they knew rationing and doing without first hand. That kind of life makes a lasting impression.
So our grandparents raised our parents with the daily reminders of what it was like to go without and have no idea when you could get more (I had to walk 10 miles, in the snow....). And I would even venture to say that having known less, our grandparents may have doled out more onto the dish.
So the depression is still affecting us, or at least our eating habits. Is there a fix? No. Self control is the only way to help yourself. BUT we can fix it for future generations. I find that knowing how my father would give me an adult portion (as a child) and guilt me into finishing it all... would serve my own child a life of being unhealthy and fat, makes me want to do better for her.
LESS IS MORE. I put less on her plate, and if she asks for more... she gets it. If she doesn't want to eat, I don't make her. I let her self- regulate. And don't get me wrong, I wont let her eat chips if that's all she'll eat. If she doesn't want what's for dinner, she doesn't get dinner. Eat or starve. But there are days when I can put raw oysters (not really, just looking for a gross example) in front of her and she'll eat until there are none left in the ocean. And other days when I can put gallons of ice cream (see previous parenthesis) in front of her and she'll shake her head and say "uh uh, nope".
Ideally we should do the same for ourselves. It's the practical aspect that is the challenge.
A suggestion from my nutritionist (and I may have said this before), a 9 inch plate, 50% should be vegetable... of the remaining 50%, 20% is carbs, and 30% is meat/protein. If you just gotta eat more... eat more salad, broccoli, whatever.
--
+237 (it's creeping back, cuz I have been awful)
Another self flagellation- I have been bad. Very lazy and bad. But this is my promise to myself... tomorrow is a new day. Time to tighten the belt, straighten the back, and move in a positive direction.
B- 2 eggs 2 sausage
L- spinach wrap with salami, smoked Gouda, spinach, red onions, pickles. And a side of pretzels (the pretzels prolly pushed my limit)
D- Mexican food. Had a fajita quesadilla. Bad in the fat/calorie dept. And the carbs were relatively under control.
Wanted chocolate the other day, found out that Russel stover makes sugar free chocolate goodness. Went to wal mart tonight and found my section... after I post this I am gonna eat a little but of candy (yay candy!). I have to stay withing the serving recommendation, there are still carbs... but 3 pieces of sugar free candy makes me happy!!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
scrap it
Ever have a day when you just wanna say scrap it, start again tomorrow? That was today for me.
I slept a whopping 3 hours, all of which were highly interrupted. Then I got to go get a blood test at 7am. And wait till 9am when my husband's physical therapy was done (oh the joys of owning 1 working vehicle). So I am just a little tired. I wanted to workout, but my lazy ass decided to skip it today, put it off till tomorrow.
And instead of cooking dinner, I opted to go to church's chicken. Which I do okay at. But today OMG... so bad, so gluttonous, so not feeling at all guilty for it, I regret nothing!
Let me preface this by saying, I love love love jalapeno cheese bombers.
They have a habit of running out of chicken strips, and today was no exception... so my husband complained again. The manger gave us dinner gratis!... but they didn't just give us dinner... they tripled up on us... I ordered a single sandwich, they doubled my meat. The kid got an order of 5 nuggets, they gave her 20. I ordered an order of 8 bombers and I got 20 (and ate them all... so good and yet so bad).
Tomorrow it's back on the wagon.... I regret nothing!
I slept a whopping 3 hours, all of which were highly interrupted. Then I got to go get a blood test at 7am. And wait till 9am when my husband's physical therapy was done (oh the joys of owning 1 working vehicle). So I am just a little tired. I wanted to workout, but my lazy ass decided to skip it today, put it off till tomorrow.
And instead of cooking dinner, I opted to go to church's chicken. Which I do okay at. But today OMG... so bad, so gluttonous, so not feeling at all guilty for it, I regret nothing!
Let me preface this by saying, I love love love jalapeno cheese bombers.
They have a habit of running out of chicken strips, and today was no exception... so my husband complained again. The manger gave us dinner gratis!... but they didn't just give us dinner... they tripled up on us... I ordered a single sandwich, they doubled my meat. The kid got an order of 5 nuggets, they gave her 20. I ordered an order of 8 bombers and I got 20 (and ate them all... so good and yet so bad).
Tomorrow it's back on the wagon.... I regret nothing!
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