**this post has nothing to do with diabetes, weight loss, pregnancy or complaining, it's just a personal reflection I want to get off my chest, before it flies out of my head**
I just watched Eat, Pray, Love. It is a beautiful movie, that I would whole-heatedly recommend to anyone. It touched a lot of chords within me. Having heard the premise a while ago, I was afraid the chords in which it would touch would have been bad. Feeling lost, wishing for more, not wanting what I have. But no.
The main character throws herself so far into what she's doing at the time that she looses herself. The she makes a resolution to travel the world and find out what she's missing. Eventually, finding herself.
I remember a time when that was me. I would get into a relationship and become the perfect woman for him. When I was very young I had a 2 year relationship that ended abruptly and without fault. It went unfinished, even to this day it is dangling loosely in my mind. After the break-up I was so depressed, I didn't sleep, I cleaned my parent's house (my mom's boyfriend actually accused me of doing drugs lol) and I spent a lot of time alone. I had convinced myself that if any of my friends wanted to spend any time with me, they'd contact me. They didn't. Needless to say I spent a lot of time being miserable and wishing my life would start. Then, amazingly, in that time I somehow formed myself, the way I am now. Proactive, confident, honest, full of integrity and relatively sure about most of the moves I make.
Don't get me wrong- I made a lot of mistakes and repeated a lot of bad behavior on the path to now. Even now I fall into most aspects of my life rather than choosing them willfully. This too is something I work on everyday.
At some point in the recent past, I realized that I am me. I am fat, brusque at times, honest to a hurtful point, not every one's cup of tea. And I don't apologize for it. I found a man who loved me just the way I am. I didn't have to become anyone else to catch him, keep him or please him. Point in fact, I don't have to please him at all, I can just be me and he lets me, because for him, being with me pleases him.
Someone once complimented me that I was a full-figured woman and it seemed as if I didn't care. Truth is, I care everyday. I try to remind myself every minute of ever hour of every day that what other people think of me is irrelevant, it's what I think of myself that matters. I will admit that I forget to look within for approval and many times will seek it elsewhere. Then I remember that it's not a selfish act to ask me what I think, and it's okay to listen to what I think and want. When I got that compliment, I said thank you and told the person, I must be a good actress then, because I hate my body and other people make me feel ashamed of myself. I cant completely admit that those feelings are totally gone, but most of the time, I make no apologies for the way I look.
I think what I can take away from the sentiments of that movie is this- be you, whoever you are, with no apologies, no matter what anyone else thinks, and do it with your head held high.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Made it thru thanksgiving
Somehow I made it through.
About 10 years ago, long before I found out that I was killing myself with bad eating habits, while I was still in my mother's house and for the most part chief cook and bottle washer... I came to the realization that the holidays aren't for overeating.
It bothers me to no end that the American psyche thinks that Thanksgiving is the Superbowl of eating. Now I am seeing that it isn't limited to just that holiday, my husband's family does it on Christmas and Easter too.
Well, back to my story. So it hit me that we were doing it stupidly on Thanksgiving. Firstly... who the fuck eats dinner at 2 or 3 pm?? Not us. Sadly in my mother's household dinner is between 7 and 9 pm. So I compromised, dinner was to be served sometime between 5 and 6pm, when NORMAL people eat dinner. Secondly, there were only 4 of us at the table, why on EARTH was I cooking as if we expected 10?? Thirdly, why do we snack all day before a HUGE meal with relish trays and chips and dip?? And lastly, at what time do you ever prepare a meal and double, triple or quadruple the amount of carbs that you serve?? Apparently only at thanksgiving. So all those bad habits were nipped in the bud early.
My husband didn't ease into all these things as easily as my family did. The hardest one for him was understanding that 1 possibly 2 carbs can be at the table, and if I am EVER going to double up on anything it will be vegetables! So I would make stuffing (I prefer a stuffed bird) and he'd ask where the mashed potatoes were. EH??? Not at my table. This year it was stuffing and where's the succotash (for those of you who just asked what the hell is succotash... corn and Lima beans with butter and pepper, very tasty, counts as carbs).
Lucky for him we had another couple eating with us, so to make sure everyone was fed, everything got doubled. And I had to force myself not only to look the other way while my husband misbehaved in his eating habits, but force myself not to overeat bad things. I didn't win.
We had a beautiful 9 pound turkey. The other couple brought a delectable real live official honey baked ham. I made a cornbread-cranberry-sage stuffing that I couldn't stop eating (weakness). AND succotash. AND pumpkin bread (that lasted us till this week). Salad. Roasted broccoli. They brought a pecan pie (I am not fond of nuts in things, and really not a fan of that pie especially so that wasnt an issue) and we made an out-of-the-box pure evil cinnabon apple pie... I ate 2 small slices DON'T JUDGE ME!!
I was better the next day, but sincerely, I wasn't great till about 2 days ago. Yes, I am properly ashamed... BUT, I have lost weight, not gained. And not a lot, but I am still within 10 pounds of my starting pregnancy weight. YAY!
I think we need to take a step back, remember why we celebrate that holiday in question, re-align our priorities. And maybe educate ourselves on what is starch and what masquerades as vegetable, but is in fact, starch.... here's a typical family menu....
turkey/ham- okay you're good, meat
stuffing- starch
mashed potatoes/gravy- starch and mostly fat and flour (starch)
yams (sweet potatoes)- starch usually dotted with HUGE amounts of sugar (might as well be a pie)
peas- starch
corn- starch
muffins/crescent rolls/biscuits/rolls- starch
green bean casserole- vegetable, but be careful, it's made with cream of whatever soup... can be fatty
salad- veggie!!
broccoli- veggie!!
carrots- veggie!!
asparagus- veggie!!
pie of any kind- EVIL
an average serving size is about 1/4 cup of anything, you can get away with 1/3 cup of some things, but think of this- if you are using the serving spoon more than once to dish an item onto your plate (with the exception of it sticking to the spoon) you are eating too much.
See how many of those things that are starch that you put on your table and double or triple? How many veggies do you actually serve? There was a time when I could answer... zero.
I know you're trying to rationalize by saying, but it's just ONE day. Look at my husband's family tho- one day, can turn into twice a year, thrice a year... then you never know where it might stop.
Why is it that we feel we have to overdo it on holidays? I am both disgusted and concerned.
About 10 years ago, long before I found out that I was killing myself with bad eating habits, while I was still in my mother's house and for the most part chief cook and bottle washer... I came to the realization that the holidays aren't for overeating.
It bothers me to no end that the American psyche thinks that Thanksgiving is the Superbowl of eating. Now I am seeing that it isn't limited to just that holiday, my husband's family does it on Christmas and Easter too.
Well, back to my story. So it hit me that we were doing it stupidly on Thanksgiving. Firstly... who the fuck eats dinner at 2 or 3 pm?? Not us. Sadly in my mother's household dinner is between 7 and 9 pm. So I compromised, dinner was to be served sometime between 5 and 6pm, when NORMAL people eat dinner. Secondly, there were only 4 of us at the table, why on EARTH was I cooking as if we expected 10?? Thirdly, why do we snack all day before a HUGE meal with relish trays and chips and dip?? And lastly, at what time do you ever prepare a meal and double, triple or quadruple the amount of carbs that you serve?? Apparently only at thanksgiving. So all those bad habits were nipped in the bud early.
My husband didn't ease into all these things as easily as my family did. The hardest one for him was understanding that 1 possibly 2 carbs can be at the table, and if I am EVER going to double up on anything it will be vegetables! So I would make stuffing (I prefer a stuffed bird) and he'd ask where the mashed potatoes were. EH??? Not at my table. This year it was stuffing and where's the succotash (for those of you who just asked what the hell is succotash... corn and Lima beans with butter and pepper, very tasty, counts as carbs).
Lucky for him we had another couple eating with us, so to make sure everyone was fed, everything got doubled. And I had to force myself not only to look the other way while my husband misbehaved in his eating habits, but force myself not to overeat bad things. I didn't win.
We had a beautiful 9 pound turkey. The other couple brought a delectable real live official honey baked ham. I made a cornbread-cranberry-sage stuffing that I couldn't stop eating (weakness). AND succotash. AND pumpkin bread (that lasted us till this week). Salad. Roasted broccoli. They brought a pecan pie (I am not fond of nuts in things, and really not a fan of that pie especially so that wasnt an issue) and we made an out-of-the-box pure evil cinnabon apple pie... I ate 2 small slices DON'T JUDGE ME!!
I was better the next day, but sincerely, I wasn't great till about 2 days ago. Yes, I am properly ashamed... BUT, I have lost weight, not gained. And not a lot, but I am still within 10 pounds of my starting pregnancy weight. YAY!
I think we need to take a step back, remember why we celebrate that holiday in question, re-align our priorities. And maybe educate ourselves on what is starch and what masquerades as vegetable, but is in fact, starch.... here's a typical family menu....
turkey/ham- okay you're good, meat
stuffing- starch
mashed potatoes/gravy- starch and mostly fat and flour (starch)
yams (sweet potatoes)- starch usually dotted with HUGE amounts of sugar (might as well be a pie)
peas- starch
corn- starch
muffins/crescent rolls/biscuits/rolls- starch
green bean casserole- vegetable, but be careful, it's made with cream of whatever soup... can be fatty
salad- veggie!!
broccoli- veggie!!
carrots- veggie!!
asparagus- veggie!!
pie of any kind- EVIL
an average serving size is about 1/4 cup of anything, you can get away with 1/3 cup of some things, but think of this- if you are using the serving spoon more than once to dish an item onto your plate (with the exception of it sticking to the spoon) you are eating too much.
See how many of those things that are starch that you put on your table and double or triple? How many veggies do you actually serve? There was a time when I could answer... zero.
I know you're trying to rationalize by saying, but it's just ONE day. Look at my husband's family tho- one day, can turn into twice a year, thrice a year... then you never know where it might stop.
Why is it that we feel we have to overdo it on holidays? I am both disgusted and concerned.
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