Muse

okay so I didn't get to it last night, it looks like instead of late night blogs, it may be first in the morning blogs.

I just didn't stop yesterday. Farted around till 12, then off to drop off husband back at work, had the car, kid at daycare for 3 hours, workout, get kid, get groceries, put them home, prep dinner so husband can cook, get husband, drop kid and husband off at home, go to work, come home and eat, try to finish paperwork, go get more groceries, put them away (it's already 1130pm), put trash out, feed animals, put kid to bed (ya ya she had a late night), husband wants what? no. By now its after midnight, blood sugar, insulin, crash. No blog, no shower... that's what today is for but not much time either. OH GOD.

+239
B- 1 1/2 eggs and 1 sausage

L- started tanking in the levels, so I got to eat 1/2 an orange with my hotpocket before the workout, so I wouldn't tank during the workout and pass out off my elliptical.

Workout- same ol workout, 20 on the elliptical, 4 reps of 15 at 30 pounds on the crunch machine. The rowing macine is my new Everest, I cant seem to be able to surpass 10 mins without wanting to die. I suppose I can increase by 2 min each time. Stationary bike 20 mins.

I came to an interesting realization while I was there. Firstly, in the row behind and to the left of me when I got on the elliptical, there was a BIG guy, he was way outta shape... he had tig ol' biddies, bigger than mine. And he was struggling. I got on, and never changed my fast pace, but I watched him look at me and step up his game. I don't think it was cuz he thought I was cute either. I am sure he looked at me, saw that I was big like him and I could keep a steady fast pace, so why couldn't he.
I realized that I like being a motivator. But what I want, why I am down on myself all the time, is I want to be a muse. Some one's muse. That beautiful girl on the Chris Isaak music video, no one knows her name, but she's so sexy. The girl you see at the restaurant that you're too afraid to talk to. The one guys think about when... well. I know I am happily married, it's not about straying. I want to be wanted, envied maybe. I think the reason I want it so bad is because I used to have it as a teen, but I was so beat down emotionally I never knew how amazing I looked. I am aware now, so I want it back. I wanna be a muse, someone to admire and inspire. Is that too much to ask for?

D- 2 cheese enchiladas and 1 tbs of refried beans, Happy Cinco de mayo!